[Leave This Blank]
Freddy put- Wait! I forgot to insert a pointless substory. Here you go:
Diana was walking down the street on her cellular phone. She was [LOCATING] on Tweet My Face. Becky was also with her. They were both heading towards the mall. A boy fell out of the sky and landed in front of them.
“That’s not healthy,” said Diana.
“What isn’t?” asked Becky.
“Falling to your death.”
“True. Very true.”
The boy got up.
“MICHAEL!!!” exclaimed Diana, “I TOLD YOU I HATE YOU FOR CHEATING ON ME!”
“Don’t lie to me, Michael! You always say this every week when I dump you for cheating on me! Who is it this week? Prissy? Teetee? Sheila? Samantha? Mi-”
“Look, Diana, can we talk? I really like you. You’re probably one of the nicest and most bipolar girls I’ve ever met. Is there anyway I can redeem myself?”
“Again with the same weekly speech! If it weren’t for your amazing physical features, your charismatic nature, or your almost irresistible way of seducing women, you’d be dust in the trash!”
“You think hanging out with any girl is considered cheating. I never did anything more than have a coffee with a girl here or a play date at the park there. I always tell you you’re being ridiculous. Then you get angry with me and it ends with you dumping me. I say I’m sorry, you give me this speech, and in the end you hug me and take me back. Can we just skip to that part already?”
“I don’t know…”
He sighed and said, “Look, I’m sorry for [CALIBRATING] cheating on you. Is that what you wanted to hear?”
“Oh, Michael!” she said as she wrapped her arms around him, “I love you too!”
Diana remembered Michael’s smell.
He let her go and said, “Thanks, Diana. I have to go, though. I promised I’d tutor this girl in my class. She needs a lot of help, so I’ll probably be staying there for a while if you need me.”
“What does she need help in?”
“Astrology. See you later.”
“Kay! Bye, Michael!” she said as he suddenly disappeared.
Becky said, “Giiiiirl, that boy is cheatin’ on you!”
“No he isn’t! Michael would never do that to me!”
“Whatever. Just don’t come crying to me when you see him all over a girl…”
“WHAT?!” asked Becky. She was losing control over Diana.
“It’s time for change! I want to stop being the typical, ignorant teenager! For a start, how does a polyamorous relationship sound?”
Becky had to say the right thing to keep those two together. Life would be so boring without their drama!
“You crazy! Now get back to being the glamorous, bratty, all around stupid teenage girl you are!”
Diana, wanting to fit in, said, “Okay!”
She carried on talking about Michael.
And that was how Diana’s life was almost made livable.
Weeks passed. An eternity of nothingness lay before, behind, and all around them. Stuck on a raft with Smurfs didn’t help either. They weren’t even sure if the raft was still moving.
The Smurfs continued their giddy antics and cheerful shenanigans. A beeping sound had been going on for what they used to know as days. The four lay on each of the corners of the raft. Brandy was the only one not losing her mind. She someone to maintain it, though…
“FraNK……” said Freddy.
“KIlL yOur GoSh dARN WHATeVer It is fairy thAT’s kEEping US ALIVE! AnYThiNG IS betteR thAN THis!”
It was no use. If only they had listened to me.
“BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP…” mimicked Sarah.
Brandy said, “Guys, keep it down! I’m thinking about my future boyfriend.”
Actually, maybe Brandy had lost it too, now that I think about it.
“AnD THeSe pestIferous bLOO RoACHes!”
The Smurfs giggled.
“AnD tHat inCESSant BEEP!”
“BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP…”continued Sarah.
More giggling. Freddy crouched into a fetal position. He stared at the white.
“hOOw MuCH LONGer?”
“HoOw mucH lonGER?!!”
“BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP…”
Freddy laughed. Not pleasantly, though.
“wHAT’s goinG on?”
He saw the white gain a rippling effect. He laughed. He rolled around laughing, crushing a few of the Smurfs.
“BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP…”
“BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP…”
Even more maniacal laughter.
“We need to put a stop to this!” exclaimed Papa Smurf to the Smurfs. They all agreed.
“First, find the source of the beeping. Let’s put a stop to it! It’s been getting on my nerves for the last few days.”
They heard the noise coming from Sarah’s backpack. Searching through Sarah’s backpack, they found the source of the beep. They presented it to Papa Smurf.
“What is this ‘Stranger Taker’?”
“We don’t know,” said Smurf R, “but we need your approval to push the flashing button.”
“By all means.”
Two Smurfs had to jump simultaneously to push the button, but it was well worth it, for what came out would save the Smurfs, the four humans, and perhaps the entire universe itself!
Or, will come out, because the thing takes a while to load. Sarah had nothing left to mimic, although she continued beeping. Freddy kept laughing, although he didn’t seem happy. Frank continued mentioning two word foods, although he wasn’t hungry. Brandy floppily thought of the boy in her dreams, although she knew she may never meet him again. This went on for another week before the machine finally loaded up.
RING RING RING RING
Sarah immediately started imitating it. The Smurfs, in a middle of a long, never-ending party, did not notice the ringing. They thought of it as Sarah’s continuous beeping.
A month passed. Then another month. Then a century. Then, after oh-so long, a century and a year had passed since their arrival. Nothing had changed, except that Smurfette had given birth to Smurfs to replace those killed by Freddy. They hadn’t even aged. The Life Support Ifrit Frank had acquired in a bet sometime after the Snow White incident kept them alive (including batteries) without hunger or thirst. Although, it did not prevent them from aging. Something in Purgatory kept them young and fit, probably to tease you since you can’t do anything.
Amazingly, they were still doing the same thing for all these years. It wasn’t until Smurf Y said, “I really like Sarah’s Ring- Wait! Wasn’t it a Beep?”
Smurf G thought and said, “… You’re right! Did the machine make a new noise?”
“I think it did!”
Word spread. Finally, after so many a year, Papa Smurf said, “All right, bring the machine over and let’s see if we can shut it up. Maybe something great will happen!”
Papa Smurf personally pushed “YES” on the touch screen underneath a word asking “Load?”. An astounding flash blinded them. The first good moment in one hundred and one years.
A boy in a beanie appeared. The Smurfs gasped. The four finally stopped and stared at him. He looked around.
The Smurfs finally broke the silence with a thunderous applause!
“I love you!” screamed some.
“Please, let me have your babies!” screamed others.
Smurfette said nothing. She just jumped onto his shoe and held on like there was no tomorrow.
The boy looked confused.
“Is that Diana’s boyfriend?” asked Freddy.
“Beep- I mean yes! Said Sarah, ‘I had forgotten I had loaded up the Stranger Taker!”
Wait a second! Was she blushing?! Sarah doesn’t blush! Unless…
“Brandy,” said Freddy.
Brandy was staring at Diana’s boyfriend.
She looked at Freddy.
“What? Sorry, Freddy. I was just thinking of that phrase ‘When it rains, it pours’.”
He turned to Frank and hoped he wasn’t the same.
“Frank, you also have a… Frank!”
“Oh, sorry. I was just…”
Frank returned to staring at Diana’s boyfriend.
Freddy exclaimed, “You guys are acting odd.”
He looked at Diana’s boyfriend and thought, “I bet that guy brought a disease with him. Who knows where he’s been?”
The three of them were entranced. Freddy sighed. That’s when he noticed something.
He saw a line appear out of nowhere. It opened and made an object resembling an eye. It “stared” at the boy. Its eye widened. Something shot out of its pupil and onto the raft. It looked like a rope. The eye closed and disappeared. In its absence he could see the rope extended very far. He could not see the end. Although…?
Something was at the end! A black dot, to be exact. It was very far away. Freddy wondered if they would have to climb the rope up when he noticed climbing wouldn’t be necessary. That something was making its way toward them! First it was a black dot, then a black speck, then a black smudge, then a black ball, and finally, a black goliath. It was round. Or maybe it was elliptical. Actually, it could have been hexagonal. The shape was too hard to tell. It was decorated with immensely tiny lights, too many to count, too few to fill the space. The goliath had definite arms jutting out of its mysteriously shaped body, pulling itself towards the insignificant raft.
“People! Is that the universe?!” asked Freddy.
No one listened.
It was climbing arduously toward Freddy in a ferocious hustle. Slightly loud, ringing noises could be heard as it made its way toward the raft. The collision between the two polar forces would not be harmonious, definitely.
Oh, I forgot to mention: Diana’s boyfriend was very confused when he appeared. He tried saying something, but no one could hear him over the cheers, He decided to sit down and watch the black ball fall on them. As he watched the thing get bigger and bigger, he swore he could see warm, red patches where its “cheeks” could have been.
Anyway, the thing grew so monstrous Freddy could no longer see anything in front of him. It stood gallantly in front as its glory bewildered him. During this very brief pause, everything became brighter, if it were possible. The thing at the moment took up half of all the visible area. Afterwards, the white started diminishing. Its jaws gaped and now shut slowly around them. The white area shrank like a balloon losing its air. Eventually, it was just a white goliath, then a white ball, then a white smudge, then a white speck, and finally, a white dot. As it disappeared, it seemed to yell, “Goodbye…”
“Did it just say something?” thought Freddy,” Wait! We’re out of the White! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!!! This universe is much more interesting with stars, galaxies, nebulae, and best of all, a black background! This is-”
He said out loud, “AHHHHHHHH!!!” as the raft sped to a speed faster than the speed of light (thank goodness for tachyons!). Everyone on the raft grabbed onto a crease or a slight railing. A few of the Smurfs did not accelerate with the rest of the raft and “flew off” into space.
As the people on the raft gained the speed of the raft, they lessened their grip. The Smurfs got up and kept cheering. The three continued staring. They passed stars and planets in the blink of an eye. Freddy swore he saw a planet as shiny as gold all around.
As time went on, he wondered how they were breathing and why Diana’s boyfriend didn’t even have to hold onto anything. It became pretty obvious after a few more thoughts and decided against thinking anymore about it.
An hour later, he noticed he had slid to the side a bit. He panicked and grabbed on as the raft slowed down dramatically. A few more Smurfs were left behind in the airless freeze of the universe. They passed Alpha Centauri. A minute later they passed the Kuiper Belt. They slowed down even more. As they passed Jupiter, they went slightly under the speed of light. Then, they finally saw it: a broken blue marble. A large brown indent interrupted its perfection, but was rectified by its grey ring. It was beautiful.
“Guys, you have to see…”
He was tired of trying to get them to listen to him. He watched in silence as he heard glass break in his mind.
They passed the Dark Side of McDonald’s. He asked, “Can you just drop us off right there?! Universe?! That’s where we need to go!!! Just…”
The universe did nothing.
Freddy figured there was no easy way out of an adventure.
They entered the atmosphere a moment or two later. Lots of fire blanketed their vision. Once that went away, Freddy could see the Crater and several remaining states. They headed to what once was Arizona. At least they were landing in America. They slowed down some more and more until they finally landed on the grass with the slightest thud!
Diana’s boyfriend got off and smiled. The Smurfs followed. The three, finally having a hand waved to their faces, looked around. Brandy asked delightedly, “Where are we?”
Freddy excitedly screamed, “We’re back!”