This is Not a Chapter!
Thereafter
“Well, what a great story you have there!” announced Freddy, “Is it true, though?”
“Do you think I’m lying?” questioned Brandy.
“Well, no, but why don’t you poof anywhere anymore?”
Brandy ignored his question. Freddy muttered under his breath, “Oookay…”
“Why didn’t you go North to see Vogel?” asked Sarah
Brandy looked at the ground. Behind her scuffed glasses, her eyes traversed the gravelly trail.
She choked, “I never had until I met you guys-”
“Even though you tried killing us,” added Freddy.
“I’m glad I didn’t. Those ghosts weren’t anything more than playmates. When I met you and Frank, I decided he could wait. You guys were what I needed as a child.”
Freddy, Frank, and Sarah all felt something warm inside their hearts. No, I’m not going to insert a blood clot joke in here.
Frank said, “Gosh, Brandy. I didn’t know you were so emotional. I didn’t think you were even from this planet.”
Frank didn’t help Brandy’s flooding eyelids.
Sarah said, “It’s okay, Brandy. We’ll always be by your side! Until you change and find us uninteresting or find your dream boy.”
Brandy chuckled.
“What do you think, I’m just going to let you guys get between us?”
They let Brandy have her moment.
Dusk approached them surreptitiously. Before they knew it, the sun was already stretching its arm over the hills in waves of thirty million flaring goodbyes. They watched as the silhouettes of shrubs on the hilltops became aggressive and bold. Impressive.
The sun set. They circled down the summit of the mountain. The top was unimpressive. The bottom was just as unimpressive (except it was flatter). Point is, they made it to the bottom as the last quivers of the luminous sky cast transparent shadows across the region. The trail continued onwards in the valley. To the right was a barrage of sedentary shrubs, together concealing secrets with arms behind their backs. Betwixt the trees they could see darting eyes, most of them pairs. They glowed with delight.
“Can we avoid going in the forest?” asked Brandy.
Frank said, “Of course!”
They walked continued down the path, but not for long. A few hundred feet later, the road met a chasm the depth of an immeasurable amount of stories. They could hear the roar of running water below. Chilly gusts rattled their skin in a refreshing manner. Across the chasm, they could see the outlines of mountain ranges and another road which ended across from them.
Freddy turned around and mentioned, “Guys, I think the road continues behind us.”
He noticed the road extended a little around the ledge of the trail up the mountain. They made their way to trail’s ledge and confirmed Freddy’s assumption. The road unraveled between columns of large, dark shrubs.
Frank asked, “Would you guys want to spend the night here? I don’t feel like going through creepy trails tonight, at least,”
“Please!” exclaimed Brandy.
Sarah and Freddy agreed with her.
“This is the perfect time to set up my Harry Potter Wigwam!”
Freddy, Sarah, and Brandy were dumbfounded.
“What?” asked Brandy
“It’s not actually a Harry Potter Wigwam; It’s just an enchanted wigwam. I think. It reminds me of the Harry Potter books [he said as he set his backpack on the ground and reached in for something].Help me set it up [he said as he took out a thermos-sized cylinder]!”
Freddy, Sarah, and Brandy circled him. Frank dropped it on the ground and it unwound itself. The whole tent jumped slightly into the air as it assembled. It rested firmly on the ground, a cloud of dust and dirt clogging their lungs.
Frank added, “I was kidding about the ‘Help me’ part.”
They could tell.
He unzipped the front flap and beckoned Brandy. Brandy slouched and lifted the flap over her.
There was a little too much light in there for a tent. Brandy staggered at the sight: It had all the amenities of a large, wooden cottage! Her feet created thumps against the hardwood flooring. The air she gasped had a hint of wildflower air freshener. She saw an indent in the floor where a couple of couches stood around a center table. A flat screen television was mounted above a fireplace in front of the table and couches. To her left there was a small kitchen with a refrigerator, a stove, a microwave, and other unnecessary appliances Brandy had never heard of. A little to the right of the living room was a wide bed with a window above, a single bed, and a bunk bed. If you looked to your very right, you could see two white doors. Brandy didn’t know what to think.
Sarah came in, then Freddy afterward; they all had similar expression. Frank came in with a smug grin. He felt content to make them content.
“Go choose a bed, you guys. Bathroom’s on the left, closet’s on the right.”
Sarah asked, “Can we-”
“Yes. Do whatever you want; I’m going to sleep!”
They all dropped their stuff in the corner. The walls were painted a light yellow resembling the feathers of a newborn chick. The tent flap they had arrived through had turned into a royal maple door. Brandy walked hurriedly to the kitchen. A light lit above her as she neared. She washed her hands in the chrome sink and found paper towels on a wooden roll next to it. She turned around and grabbed the handle of the refrigerator. Her eyes gleamed with grace as a mirage of amazingly fresh stocked foods appeared.
“GUYS! THERE’S FOOD HERE AND I CAN’T TELL IF IT’S REAL!!!”
Freddy and Sarah were observing the other parts of the tent. Freddy asked, “Does the TV get reception?”
“Yeah,” he said as he dove in the bottom bunk and pulled the covers over him, “Just don’t turn it up too much.”
Freddy sat down and grabbed the remote. It was faceted with buttons for everything in the tent. He looked for POWER.
The television displayed a newsman. Frank had service from DirecTV, just to let you know. The news reporter mentioned something about some firemen crashing into a pole. Then he mentioned something about some study which studied cancer and whatnot. Then he mentioned Diana’s Boyfriend. He looked around, but no one was paying attention.
“…Diana’s Boyfriend has still not been seen since two days ago. He’s already an internet sensation and role model. Everybody is going crazy for him, including me. So I swear, viewers at home, if you marry him, I will throttle you. I bet I have more posters of him than you do. And I have a T-shirt with his name on it!…,” and so forth.
He could never take news reporters seriously. Freddy turned around to notice Frank sleeping, Sarah in the bathroom, and Brandy screaming at what looked to be a scrumptious meal. He’d mention it to them later.
The rest of the news program was questionable. He went over to the kitchen and took out a watermelon. Sarah went to bed on the top bunk and cradled her head against her pillow. Brandy was still gawking at the food. It wasn’t until Freddy pointed out that it wasn’t a mirage when she finally started eating.
Freddy took the watermelon to the living room and watched more television. He hadn’t seen it in so long, yet he felt that he lost interest in it. He repeatedly stuck his spoon in the watermelon and to his mouth until Brandy walked by and said, “Well, this is probably the greatest place I’ve ever been in. I’m going to bed. You deserve the big bed.”
She headed for the single bed. Freddy looked startled.
“What? Why?”
“Just accept it Freddy.”
“But I didn’t do anything! If you want the big bed, please take it!
“No! You helped us get out of that forest!”
Freddy looked down, slightly distraught.
“Okay.”
“Goodnight, Freddy.”
Freddy looked in her direction and watched her get in bed. He turned back toward the television screen but decidedly turned it off. He looked at the remote and looked for something else.
Brandy got up and walked across the room.
“What happened?” asked Freddy.
“I can’t sleep. I’ll be outside for a bit.”
“I thought you were afraid of those creatures in the shrubs.”
“I’m not going in there. I’m just going to go watch the Ring. It’s a clear night tonight.”
“Okay. Be careful.”
“Thanks, Freddy.”
Freddy got up and put what was left of the watermelon in the fridge. He held the remote in his hands throughout and looked for something to turn off the lights, since he couldn’t find any switches. He pressed a blue button without any words on it. The couch disappeared, and in its place a wooden hot tub appeared. There was water in and it was the clearest stagnant water he had ever seen. He looked for another button and found one labeled SLEEP!.
The lights suffocated, but the fireplace gasped into existence. It didn’t occur to him that now he couldn’t see the buttons anymore. He’d deal with the hot tub in the morning; suddenly he felt exhausted. Freddy staggered to the large bed and tumbled onto the linen covers. He stroked the fibers coursing the surface. It reminded him of his baby blanket.
Freddy lifted his legs onto the bed. He slid underneath the covers and rested his head on a pillow.
He thought, “Huh. The bed is memory foam…”
Freddy opened his eyes as his head rested and noticed something out of the window. He could not remember seeing this bright figure before. It waded in the sky, auras of lost stories and long forgotten memories permeating his pupils. Even through his eyelids he felt it. All through the night the hands of his watchful parent caressed his enlightened figure.
He felt truly at home.
“It’s warm…” he thought.
“Actually, it’s hot!” he continued, “Very hot! Yet, very pleasing…”
He opened his eyes.
“Sup man?”
Freddy was confused. A pair of keen eyes was focused on him.
Freddy decided to take a practical approach to this and identified what was happening:
1. I am in very warm water, probably the hot tub.
2. Definitely the hot tub.
3. I am in a hot tub.
4. Diana’s Boyfriend is in the hot tub with me. That cannot be real. Let me try again.
5. Diana’s Boyfriend is in the hot tub with me. I’ll skip that one.
6. We are in Frank’s Harry Potter Tent. The lighting is wonderful in here.
7. Babies are born head first. Huh. I think I’m mad.
Finally, Freddy asked the four words that seemed to be on everyone’s mind: “What’s going on?”
“What do you mean?” he asked earnestly.
Diana’s Boyfriend was there. He had taken off his beanie, chestnut coils and twists and turns bouncing across his head. He looked exactly as he had looked THREE DAYs before.
Freddy felt fair winds pass his mind.
“What do you mean? I’m in a hot tub, you’re big, and I’m delirious. Why am in a hot tub… with you… and how did you get so… big?”
“Dunno. I guess the magic wore off or something.”
Freddy craned his head around, not remembering where their beds were. He saw Sarah and Frank on the bunk bed. He turned back half-knowingly to Diana’s Boyfriend.
“I’m sorry, this is just a really odd way to wake up.”
“Dude, relax! I thought you were awake until a second ago. Then you woke up.”
“What do you mean?”
“I asked you guys if you wanted to join me. You got up, changed, and came in here.”
“You just went in here?”
“Yep.”
“Wow. So how did you grow?”
“I’m not sure. I went to sleep inside that bottle and when I woke I was lying on glass shards and a ripped bag. I think it’s Sarah’s. Sorry.”
They both looked toward Sarah but she was pretending to be asleep.
“After that I got up and looked around. I saw the hot tub and then I saw you with your eyes opened. I asked if you were okay and you nodded. You mentioned something about the hot tub then lent me some swimming trunks.”
“Wait, really? What?! I… I…”
Diana’s Boyfriend smiled. He had that smile a cherub would envy.
“Dude, I’m just messing with you.”
Freddy couldn’t tell if he was lying. He unraveled his fabricated words and combed through the threads. He picked through the defiant tousles and ravaged the knotted twills. After all, he would just mend the sieve once more and pretend like he had never seen it. But he had no luck. He was too difficult to figure.
Freddy continued, “Oh. Okay. Would it be okay if I got out to check for bubbles?”
“You don’t have to ask me, man.”
“Sorry.”
Freddy stood up and managed himself over the edges of the hot tub, careful not to slip. As he walked towards Sarah’s backpack, he wondered why the sandman hadn’t worked that night. Freddy walked back to the hot tub without much enthusiasm. He pressed a button on the side, causing soap and foam to froth the water.
“Ooh!” muttered Diana’s Boyfriend enthusiastically.
Freddy got back in the tub, careful not to slip, keeping his hand clutched on the S-Ray.
“You know, Diana’s Boyfriend, it’s dangerous to be so large. You attract lots of attention.”
“Yeah, I know…”
“What I’m saying is maybe we should try shrinking you-”
“Do we really have to? Aren’t there any alternatives?”
“Right now we’re in the wilderness so you aren’t a threat, but sooner or later we’re heading back to civilization. To Fillmore, actually. I thought you would like that.”
Another smile stretched across his face. His dimples looked like someone had pushed bouncy balls against his cheeks throughout his childhood.
“Fillmore?”
“Yeah. It’s pretty coincidental, I guess. Maybe we’ll find your family!”
“Yeah man. If you say so.”
Freddy didn’t respond. He looked at him with his fingers clenching on the S-Ray.
“So… ummm… how do you get your hair so curly?”
“I don’t know. I don’t really try.”
Freddy lifted the gun an inch off of the edge of the hot tub. The tiny pink bubbles now overflowed and mountained. He considered shooting him that moment. There was something different about him…
“Uh, Diana’s Boyfriend?”
“Yeah?”
“What’s wrong with you?”
Diana’s Boyfriend paused.
“Hmmm?”
“There’s something wrong.”
Diana’s Boyfriend focused on him. Freddy looked at him but then turned away. He hoped the bubbles would cover him.
“What’s wrong with me?”
Freddy could feel his sights. Freddy lifted his head and glared back, as Diana’s Boyfriend could tell. People had glared at him before, but there was something beyond the mere act. Freddy has something behind his eyes; a light like kindle, a twinkle like Mars.
“Freddy, are you okay? You’re scaring me, man.”
“Something’s wrong, right? What is it? It’s something past the fact you’re in nowhere now, huh? You must be so lost with the hair cringing on your beautiful head. I can’t even begin to wonder what it’s like to be in your spot. Everyone trying to kill you just to breathe the air you passed through. You know what, Diana’s Boyfriend, you can wither in your own problems and try to water them with vices, but you will never find solace in the stead of your past desires.”
Diana’s Boyfriend was dumbfounded. He kept a straight expression, but it could be seen in the blinks he took.
“What?!” he said stuttering, staring straight back, saying, “How do you know any of that? And stop looking at me like that! I wish you could see yourself right now.”
Freddy stretched his arm and pointed the pistol between his worried little eyes.
The S-Rays influenced one of the bubbles betwixt Freddy and Diana’s Boyfriend. The bubble unfortunately shrank to nothing.
Matter had been destroyed! The Universe had two choices: punish or implode.
Freddy morphed into a pink Carebear!
The Carebear dunked into the water and struggled to stay afloat. Pink bubbles obscured his vision and soapy water tickled his uvula…
Diana’s Boyfriend rushed over to the rippling commotion. Underneath the bubbles he found a soggy stuffed animal.
“Huh?” he questioned.
He wondered where Freddy went for two more moments. In the meantime, he remarked at the Carebear’s wet hair, clumped in moist folds of comfort. The Carebear had orange irises and a pink nose with actual nostrils. He had a large heart design on his torso. It also had grubby hands with stubs for fingers, with a dazed, dizzy look.
At the second moment it coughed water on Diana’s Boyfriend.
“Freddy?”
“Yeah?” it choked.
“What happened?”
“I’m not sure,” he more or less lied.
“Are you feeling better at least?”
“What do you mean?”
“You seemed a little odd.”
“Oh, yeah. Say, what am I?”
“A Carebear, I think.”
“Oh great. Hey, do you think you can take me to that bathroom over there? I need to dry off.”
“Sure thing!”
Diana’s Boyfriend set Freddy on the edge of the hot tub and hopped over, careful not to slip. He grabbed Freddy once again and opened the bathroom door. The lights lit. As with the rest of the tent, the bathroom was delightful. To their right was a marble shower. To their left was a marble sink with Diana’s Boyfriend’s clothes. At the end of the bathroom was a marble dryer and marble washing machine. He closed the door behind them.
Freddy asked, “Do you think you can put me in the dryer?”
“Are you sure? That seems a bit dangerous.”
“Don’t worry. I don’t have any bones.”
“Okay. I’ll be right here in case you need me.”
Diana’s Boyfriend stuffed Freddy into the dryer.
“How long?”
“Thirty minutes, probably!”
The tumblers whirred. Freddy started rolling.
Diana’s Boyfriend changed back into his dry clothes, noticing some rickety clinking/construction sounds outside the door. As he adjusted his beanie, however, he noticed the dryer was covered and dripping in something pink. He panicked and turned the knob to OFF. He opened the hatch and took out Freddy.
Freddy was covered in acidic stuff. He gasped for breath.
“Thank you! Let’s not do that again! Just put me in that sink and hand me that bar of soap, please!”
Diana’s Boyfriend set him on the countertop and looked underneath the sink for soap as the water filled up in the sink.
“I’m sorry, Freddy,” handing him the soap, “Now you’re even dirtier than before.”
“It’s fine. I didn’t think I could vomit in the first place.”
Freddy lathered the water in the sink and stepped in.
“Do you need any help?”
“No, I can do it myself,” Freddy said disappointedly as he scrubbed acidic stuff off his head.
“All right. I’ll clean the dryer up.”
“No, I can do it! It’s my mess! Just let me finish here.”
“Relax, dude. Take care of yourself, first,” as he grabbed a towel from underneath the sink and a cup full of Freddy’s soapy water.
“Fine,” said Freddy acceptingly.
They worked silently. A little later Freddy blow dried his body. Diana’s Boyfriend dried the dryer with a dry towel. After Diana’s Boyfriend finished up, he walked over to Freddy, who was still drying himself.
“That’s going to take a while.”
“Yeah, I know. I guess it doesn’t really matter. I don’t have to be clean.”
“No, don’t worry. Take your time.”
“Can you take me outside to air dry? I want to see what Brandy is doing, anyway.”
“Uh, sure.”
“Thank you.”
“No problem.”
Diana’s Boyfriend cradled the Carebear and exited the bathroom. The lights went out.
…
The following event occurred right after Freddy and Diana’s Boyfriend went into the bathroom.
Sarah got up in a hurry.
“Frank?”
“Yeah?”
“What do we do? Diana’s Boyfriend is big again!”
“Just shrink him again!”
She showed him the dripping pistol.
“I saw it in the hot tub when the bubbles cleared! Freddy already tried shrinking him! Either that or he tried shrinking himself. Why else would it be in the jacuzzi?”
“Is it a jacuzzi or a hot tub?”
“FRANK!!! Diana’s Boyfriend is big, Freddy’s a Carebear, my gun is broken, Brandy’s oboe is bifurcated, and you’re yourself! Can it get any worse than this?”
You called it! A rubber ball flung into the air and hit Sarah.
“That’s it! I’m bringing out the Big Ancient Machine!”
“What?”
She started taking out something in her backpack.
“No time to explain!”
She kept searching for a few minutes in silence. After that, she dropped a small box with a red button on the ground. She pressed the button with much fervor. Squares popped out, slid around, and expanded. Eventually, it assembled itself into a room the size of four port-o-potties. Sarah beckoned Frank over. Frank plopped off his bed and went over with Sarah. She unlocked and opened the door. Inside, Frank saw a dark room with nothing interesting within.
“Go inside!” said Sarah. Frank did so.
Sarah went in and bolted the door.
“What does this do?”
“Nothing.”
“What? What does it really do?”
“It does absolutely nothing.”
“Why did you make it?”
“ I made it in case I decided I wanted to escape the world.”
They went silent for a few seconds.
“Okay. So why are we here? And can you turn on a light? I can’t see anything.”
“There’s no light in here. There’s nothing in here.”
“Can we get out, then? I think I hear Brandy yelling.”
“No.”
He made one exasperation that was meant to be a laugh before saying, “Wait, what do you mean?”
“We can’t get out!’
“What?”
“We can’t get out!!!”
“Why would you create something like this?”
“I got the idea from one of the most marvelous stories I’ve ever experienced.”
“So we’re stuck in here forever?”
“Yeah.”
He began to panic.
“Is there anything to kill yourself with?”
“No. I wanted to make sure we’re safe.”
“So we’re never going to die?”
“Yeah!”
“But everyone eventually dies!”
“No! You only die if you’re not in absolute, 100% safety. That was my intent when building this device. Once I built it, I noticed there was no way of dismantling it or unbuilding it. I tried to throw hammers and drive nails into it but nothing happened. It’s amazing! If the entire planet were to blow up or if the sun supernovaed we’d be completely and utterly safe!
“Sarah?-…”
“Yes Frank?”
“I don’t want to spend the rest of eternity in this box. I’d kill you for not even giving me a choice if it weren’t the fact that I’d be forever alone. Why did you do this?”
“I want to spend the rest of time here with you in the dark.”
“Sarah… Kill me… I don’t want to be in here anymore”
“What? I can’t kill you. You’re just going to have to accept it. Unless you want to kill me.”
“No.”
“Well good, because I lied.”
She pulled a lever. A light expanded from the center of the room. The edges of the room were vaporized in a static onslaught. Everything went dark once more.
“Ugh, let me fast forward a few billion years.”
Frank was flabbergasted.
“What happened?! What is this?!”
“This is the Big Bang/Crunch Machine, otherwise known as the Big B/C Machine, otherwise known as the Big Ancient Machine, otherwise known as BAM! It creates universes and you can travel to anywhere, any year, any time! Then when you’re done with it, you destroy it!”
Twinkles arose exponentially. They gathered and held tight in daisy chains. Frank flicked one away carelessly as a quintillion throats cried out.
“Isn’t that a bit immoral and horrific?”
“Awww, who cares? I created them, so I can destroy them, right? The people of this universe are bound to eventually advance enough to a point where they create something useful!”
She zoomed in on a cluster and on a galaxy.
“So that means we can get really advanced technology?”
“Probably not. The chances of them even making knives are one in infinity. Universes are infinite, you know.”
“Oh. And by the way, I didn’t mean the whole kill me thing. Wait, we can get out of this universe, right?”
“Of course! I was lying about everything!”
They were in the universe as light-year long beings. And they couldn’t breathe. Sarah scrambled and shrank them onto a habitable planet’s surface.
It was barren and stark. The sky had a reddish glow and few what they thought were plants grew in sparse vicinities of each other.
Frank asked, “Can we run around?”
“Yeah, of course. We’re in the universe we created. We have that right.”
“Can you speed it up a few million years? I want there to be some form of life.”
Eons passed in seconds. Nothing changed.
“Well, this is a boring planet,” said Sarah, “Oh wait.”
A blur landed on the ground and flew off into the sky in the blink of an eye. Nothing happened for a billion years. Then the ground started moving. Creep set across the land. Exotic looking grasses sprang forth from the dead earth. Insects started cultivating them. Odd animals began to roam the grasses. Of course, all their lives and deaths began all too late. The sun became red and the plants became black. The animals kept changing over the years to meet the demands of life on a cold planet. Finally, the sentients came. First they came in groups and enclaves. Then they sowed the land from which they first learned to crawl. They spread in every direction conceivable upon a two dimensional plane. The ground lowered, their buildings hovered. They laughed at their parks and cried in their homes with much fervor and exacerbation. Sarah had no time to react in order to stop the inclined speed before they destroyed themselves.
“Sarah! Turn back!” yelled Frank.
Sarah had no time to react before a new species of sentients arose. Sarah stopped it as fast as she could.
Esteban saw two short creatures. He spoke in his odd, freaky alien tongue, “Quienes son esos?”
Rudolfo retorted, “Yo no se. Por que no los disparamos?”
They walked over to them. Sarah and Frank walked over to them. They met halfway.
Esteban and Rudolfo both took out shotgun and fired away. The shots went right through them.
“Aye, mamay! Es la Llorona y su esposo feo!”
Sarah and Frank could not understand them, although they were a bit angry at having been shot. Frank spoke.
“HeLlo! We’re people! We aren’t green or tall, but we’re friends!”
He pointed back and forth to them, then stuck out his hand.
“Que?”
“Son gringos, Rudolfo! A que robar todo lo que tienen!”
They tried mugging them, but only swiped at air. Frank continued as they awkwardly tried grabbing them, “We need CLOthing!”
“Clothing?” asked Sarah, “I thought we needed an oboe and an S-ray.”
“You think you can assimilate into society wearing a robe and a scientist cloak? Please!”
He returned to the aliens.
“CLotheS[grabbing his shirt] OBOe! AND S-RAY!”
They stopped trying to take the few things they had. They scratched their charcoal black mustaches, covered in a thin layer of Tapatio, and ran back to their Rancho.
“Come on!” beckoned Sarah.
They ran after the aliens. The aliens ran into a thin forest.
“I’m tired of forests!” exclaimed Sarah.
They found a clearing all too soon. The aliens ran into a small shed with lots of antennae/dishes all about. It was a light blue and only the size of two port-o-potties. There was also a door with translucent blue glass. Sarah and Frank followed.
One of the aliens closed the door on its tails?/ dorsal fins? in its haste. It shut the door behind it. Sarah pounded on the door.
“NO!!!”
Frank tried the doorknob and opened the door.
Sarah pushed the door closed.
“No! You’re always right about things like this!”
“Sarah, the aliens are getting away.”
“Frank, never point out that I’m illogical and senseless. You demean me and make me feel like an idiot.”
“Great.”
He opened the door and ran inside. Inside were many windows on the floor and walls. Sarah closed the door behind her and said, “Whoa, can you believe what’s through all those windows?”
“Why don’t you just say what’s behind those windows?”
“Oh yeah!”
Well, since she’s not going to tell you, I will. Through the windows was space sprinkled with twinkling stars. Underneath them was a planet, lit in all its glory and grace by the neighboring sun. They saw some kind of flagella waggling at the end of the corridor.
“Follow them!” bellowed Sarah
“I’m aware!”
They went to the end of the corridor and found a room labeled Bebé. Upon opening the door, they found an infirmary/incubator. Dozens of green, human sized babies lay crying about in eggshells. In fact, they looked more like humans than the adults, with their odd, weird tentacle/fin/leaf/second eyeball/sombrero appendages. A slime trail emitting boiling coffee, green salsa, and poverty led to a door on the opposite side of them. The sound of wailing prodded their ears.
“Let’s keep going!” said Sarah.
“No, let’s stay here and rot!”
They ran by some toys. Frank glanced down and exclaimed, “Hey! Is that an oboe?!”
Frank picked up something that looked like an oboe.”
“Perhaps-”
“And look! This looks a lot like an S-Ray!”
He picked up something called a “Chiquitizer”.
“Yes, but let’s go after them!”
They continued. Then Frank asked, “Is that a closet?”
Frank ran over to the storage area and opened it.
“Clothes!”
He picked up boy’s shirts, girl’s shirts, underwear, shoes- everything!
“Okay, but they’re getting away!”
“Why bother?”
“Because… we… darn it!”
“Sorry, Sarah. If it makes you feel any better, we’re about to kill every organism on the face of this universe. Isn’t that right?”
“Yes…” she said in a hopeful tone.
“And we’re also going to kill those runaway aliens, right?”
“Yes…” she said in an even more hopeful tone. She almost sounded happy.
“Then what are we waiting for?”
Sarah cheerfully took out the controller and pushed a red button.
Two to the infinite power minus one creatures screamed in pain and diminished. The room they were in shrank to the light in the center. The light blew out.
Everything was dark. Sarah went to the back of the room and opened the door. Light poured in.
“Let’s go!” she screamed to Frank.
They were back in Frank’s Harry Potter Wigwam.
“That was cool!” Frank said smiling, “But you said all of your inventions are broken! What’s wrong with that invention?”
“It isn’t wheelchair accessible! I know, I know, it’s a dud.”
“Can’t you attach a ramp to it?”
“Oh, Frank. We all have dreams.”
The bathroom opened and out stepped Diana’s Boyfriend and a Carebear.
“Oh yeah,” whispered Frank, “I forgot Freddy was a Carebear. What happened, anyway?”
“I don’t know,” she whispered back, “Hey guys! We have clothes!” she yelled.
“What?” asked Diana’s Boyfriend and Freddy, noticing the Big Ancient Machine.
“We have new clothes for all of us! Even you, Diana’s Boyfriend! Where’s Brandy?”
“Here,” said Brandy entering the tent, with a hint of despair.
“Great! Brandy, we have new clothes so we won’t look like idiots in society!”
“Hmmm?” she asked.
Sarah sprawled the clothes on the floor.
“Pick whatever you want,” she added, “Oh and here’s an oboe, Brandy.”
Brandy took the oboe as her eyes converged at Diana’s Boyfriend.
“Is that a Carebear?”
“Yeah, it’s me, Freddy.”
“Want me to fix it?”
“I was just going to ask. Definitely!”
Brandy played a tune the all lauded silently. Freddy turned into a slightly pinker Carebear! It almost blinded them.
Brandy grimaced and exclaimed, “This is such a cheap oboe! It’s almost as if it had been made in Mexico!”
Frank looked at the Chiquitizer. He didn’t want to risk somehow ending Diana’s Boyfriend. Frank pointed it at the large bed. Nothing happened upon pulling the trigger.
“Darn foreign merchandise!”
Frank grabbed some pants and a shirt with three wolves howling at the moon in bitterness.
“I’m going to change!” and walked over to the bathroom.
Sarah grabbed Depeche Mode t-shirt and some green pants.
Brandy grabbed a black shirt proclaiming “Wish You Were Here” and some blue bell bottom jeans.
Diana’s Boyfriend took a gray t-shirt with the words “THUG LIFE”. There were no more pants left, but he didn’t need any.
Freddy chose a yellow and blue striped t-shirt and asked Diana’s Boyfriend if he could stuff it in his backpack. That is, if he ever turned human again.
After a few minutes, they were all clad in new attire! Save Freddy, they sparkled with an air of freshness.
“Alright,” spoke Frank, gathering everyone’s attention, “get your stuff and don’t forget anything! We have to get out and take down the tent!”
Frank, Sarah, and Brandy grabbed their belongings. Diana’s Boyfriend carried Freddy’s backpack on his back for good measure. They left the Big Ancient Machine assembled inside. Frank opened royal maple door and held it open.
The others looked about as they made their way outside. The sinister forest was now a grouping of shrubs. Pebbles and rocks of varying colors spotted the dirt road. Running water could still be heard from the depths. It was a breezy afternoon.
Frank exited the tent and ran to one of edges of the tent. He kicked it, causing the tent to deflate and wrap itself in one swift movement. It moved with his shoe and rose in the air as a small, gray canister. Frank grabbed it mid-air.
“Let’s go!” he yelled.
Brandy asked, “But where?”
Chapter Whatever I Lost Count and I Don’t Feel Like Turning Pages to See Which One It Should Be.
Brandy’s Weird
You know what? Brandy’s backstory is boring and I don’t feel like typing it right now. I’ll type it some other time, but not right now. I’m sorry.
Chapte Ninetee
Robby’s Back! Sort of…
Two rhinocirrus clouds wondered why there was a limousine flying through the sky. They weren’t used to seeing them so clearly. Limousines were supposed to be on the ground! This disrupted the natural order. The clouds followed and attacked!
Bangs and thumps could be heard outside of the craft. The clouds were pummeling the limousine!
“Guys! Hold on!” yelled Robby (the chauffeur) at the newly acquired attendants.
There was nice, tan carpeting lining the interior of the spacious limousine, as Sarah noticed. She was lying on a row of seats perpendicular to the motion of the limousine. To her left was a shaded screen for the driver. To her right were Brandy and Freddy. They were seated and looking slightly tense. In front of her were slightly tinted windows but no seats. There was also a round wooden table in the center of the room with a (most likely) mounted vase supporting two yellow and red tulips.
Sarah unsurprisingly asked “What’s going on?!” as she held onto the armrest for support.
The limousine shook.
Freddy and Brandy looked at her expressionless. Freddy asked, “Are you feeling fine, Sarah?”
“Yes!”
“Are you sure? Brandy told me how you…”
Sarah looked at him with confusion.
“Please, just tell me what happened!!”
“We’re in Mr. Held’s limousiiiiiine!” he said as the limousiiiiiine rattled.
“We are?” she asked.
“Yeah! See, after I was hit in the head I woke up and I was all alone. I was really worried but luckily I found my inborn courage and climbed a tree! It was exciting! I had never climbed a tree before! I splintered my fingers [showing his red hands] and made it to the canopy. I looked around but all I could see were trees. I looked in the sky and saw a small black dot. Luckily it got bigger until hovered right above me. Robby, with his amazing new robot eyes, saw me in the thick of it! He transported me into the limousine in a kind of slipping motion and told me everything. There’s something important about that… oh, yeah! Mr. Penumbridge, I mean Mr. Held is back!”
Sarah oddly understood less. Freddy could see this.
“Ummm, see, Mr. Penumbridge came back to Earth. You heard the reports about his leaving of Earth, right?”
Sarah said nothing.
“Okay… He flew back down on the surface just a few days ago. Robby found his signal and… well, he turned into a robot. See?”
Robby was behind the chauffeur’s screen. Freddy called, “Robby!”
“Yes?” he said as the screen lowered.
Sarah noticed a difference in his appearance. For instance, his skin became a flushed blue/grey sheet of metallic alloy. In addition, he had LCD projectors for eyes. Sarah didn’t know LCD projectors were any good at gathering light. He had some red shaded light emitting diode on his head, turned off at the moment. His arms were a bit more… what are the words… flexible and jointed. She could see pink supports of a tutu on his shoulders as he stretched his arm into the passenger compartment.
“You guys can have that, by the way,” he said as a piece of him fell off. Oh wait. It was very familiar chromed headgear. “It only plays techno. What did you guys want?”
“Tell them what happened,” continued Freddy.
“About your minds being erased?”
“No- What?”
“Your guys’s minds were erased.”
“When?”
“A while ago. What did you need?”
Freddy tried remembering his mind being erased, but failed to do so. He wanted him to explain but knew he wouldn’t and decided to change the conversation. Brandy and Sarah couldn’t hear Robby over the thumps and jostles.
“Uh, just tell them what happened to you.”
“I evolved! Remember? You know how Penumbridge evolved into Held? Well, I evolved into Robobby. I work for Frankfurt High School!”
Sarah thought it would be a good idea to break the ice with a joke.
“That would explain your new metallic square head!”
Sarah was, unbeknownst to them, practicing sarcasm. She didn’t mean the new part, therefore insinuating Robby had a metallic square head prior to his evolution. This therefore was intended to evoke emotions of crass hostility and dastardly humorous misgivings. Moreover, she had wanted him to cry.
Robby brushed it off his shoulder without any notice and was about to say, “Yes it does,” before the limousine shook violently.
“HOLD ON!!” he cried!
The raised the screen manually with his somewhat inefficient clamps-for-hands.
Freddy asked after a minor pause, “So… Where’s Frank? And who has Diana’s Boyfriend?”
Brandy and Sarah looked with certain masks. Freddy couldn’t see past them and continued.
“Robby couldn’t find Frank down in the forest. Ooh, did I mention how Robby slowed time to a near stop to find you guys, Sarah? It was really cool! After telling him you guys were down there, I looked at him shift and he told me to turn around. I saw you guys slip onto the couches! It didn’t even look like he moved! Then he told me about his amazing mechagic powers which are much better than his previous powers! Did you know he can hover instead of fly?”
Brandy and Sarah looked at him intently. He wondered why they were so quiet. Then Brandy spoke.
“Frank’s dead,” she choked
Freddy tried forming a thought. A walrus with too many whiskers waded in the water. He drove himself on a sheet of ice and sulked.
“Yes, and?”
“Frank… was mauled by those creatures.”
The sheet of ice split like so many before it and the walrus was squeezed into the water. The water wrapped him and dragged him. He made for the land underwater and lamented.
“Why?”
“Your PSI,” added Sarah, “caused us to teleport away from him. We heard a scream a ways off and we never found him.”
The walrus found a cavern in the bottom of the Great and dug his head within. In it he could see nothing. The walrus felt serendipitous. Alas, his tusks too lengthy and his body too wide, the poor boy could never enter more than a fin’s reach.
“I didn’t hurt Frank. He’s not dead. He’s just gone.”
“You said Robby didn’t find him down there.”
The walrus wanted to watch the world from his own den. He knew what was happening all too well and wished he could just wonder. The walrus stuck his fin in the cavern and closed his eyes.
“Frank. Frank. Frank.”
“Freddy, don’t cry,” intervened Brandy, about to burst, “Freddy, don’t.”
The walrus let the ocean’s trudge take him away. He dreamed of living his days in the cavern. He dreamed of the wonders which lay in the cavern and wondered if he wasn’t right to begin with. He wondered no more.
“Frank!”
Sarah screamed over the wallops of the limo, “Freddy, don’t worry! We’ll find Frank!”
“What?”
Sarah walked over to the screen and yelled, “ROBBY! OPEN THE SCREEN!!”
Robobby shoved the screen downwards and asked, “Yeah?!!”
“Take us down into the forest so we can look for Frank! And help us too!”
“I didn’t see Frank!!! He wasn’t down there; trust mE!!!” as the limousine shook.
“I don’t care! I want to check again! Frank’s life is on the line!! We need him for your tasks!”
The limo shook once more.
“Okay, fine! I’ll turn around and we can check quickly! Maybe it’ll get these rhinocirri off of us! Wait in the concert hall in the behind the seat in the back [pointing to the very back of the passenger’s cabin] for safety!”
They all felt the vertigo of a sharp left hand turn. Sarah stumbled to the ground wordlessly.
The screen went up automatically. Sarah went over to Freddy and said, “There! We’re going to go look for Frank right now. We’ll find him down there!”
Freddy felt doubt, but he let his puerile optimism overtake him.
“You’re right. Frank isn’t dead. He’s just gone.”
Sarah and Bandy couldn’t believe it, but they felt a bit better.
Sarah said, “He told us to wait over in a concert hall, I believe.”
“Huh?” asked Brandy and Freddy.
Sarah walked over to the back seat and pushed down the back cushion.
Freddy asked Brandy, “Do you still have Diana’s Boyfriend at least?”
“No, Sarah has him. Sarah! You still have Diana’s Boyfriend, right?”
“Yeah,” she said with much struggle as she crawled into the backseat. A second afterwards, they heard an exasperated, “Whoa! You guys have to see this!” It echoed.
Brandy and Freddy stood up and walked over to the cushions in the back. Brandy looked in. She couldn’t see much, but she could see really far away.
“Sarah? What’s in there?”
“Come! Please!”
Freddy tried looking inside as well as Brandy was about to crawl through. He had similar results. Brandy crawled through the crevice and gasped. Freddy said, “Wait, I’m almost there!” with much excitement. As he neared the end, he could see enough to make it out.
The room extended oh-so far! The room had organized and bolted to the willing floor elaborate, sanguine seats along with other sitting devices, filed neatly row by row. Each chair paid its attention to one point of colossal extravagance to their right: the stage. The stage was set so eloquently with maroon drapes and champagne ropes. Spotlights of every color and one graced the stage, screaming streams of eye-gouging vivacity! Behind the stage they could see moving backdrops bellowing scenes of peace and discord. If only there had been a play going on.
Freddy was awed! Sarah and Brandy were absolutely daunted!
“I can’t believe he wants us to wait here!” exclaimed Sarah, “I feel faint.”
“We’ll be fine, right?” asked Brandy after a deep breath, “As long as there’s no opera. Right?”
The entire room shook. It shook again.
Sarah mentioned, “This isn’t safe! What if the limo goes down?”
“Good idea!” added Brandy.
Sarah beckoned Freddy to crawl through. Freddy was inattentive. Sarah beckoned him once more and he morosely crawled through.
Freddy, on the other side, surveyed the vicinity. Nothing was different except for a missive on the table. It wasn’t a note, as he could tell, because in stenciled capital letters, the words VERILY IMPORTANT were printed. While waiting for the others to crawl through, Freddy grabbed the missive and read the following:
Dear Idiots,
I, Robooby [“Huh, he misspelled his name,” Freddy said aloud] , have jumped out of the limo because it’s going down-
Freddy’s eyes widened and screamed, “Guys, listen to this!!” He reread up to that oint and continued…
“I’ll just hover using my girly fairy wingjets and I’ll get back to the high school. Don’t worry about me; you know how much insurance is going to pay me for a crashed flying limo? I’ll be very fine! So, anyway, worry about yourselves, because, as I said before, you’re all going to meet a horrible, fiery demise if you don’t find some way out of here!
BUT DON’T PUT THIS DOWN YET!!!
Hopefully all those capital letters got your attention before you put his down. I still have that jet fuel saved for you guys. You guys still have to do the other quests, though! You’ve completed two one quests so far.
You guys did a terrible job with Snow White! After the book got eaten, I looked at the remnants. It turns out she appeared somewhere in the cold depths of the universe! We’ll probably never be able to rescue her now! The only reason it’s completed is because the person who I owed the favor to, Cinderella, was crushed by a giant. Heh, it’s a small world after all.
You guys did very well with throwing away the trash! It almost makes up for the Snow White incident! You even threw it away in the proper trash can! Good job! Sorry, I mistook the wrong trash can. You guys need to take out the trash in Fillmore, California![Something clicked in Freddy’s mind] You probably don’t know where it is; Look for it on Google Earth!
Now please, hurry up, because you’re going to crash into a mountain in 5… 4… 3…-”
“WAIT!!!” yelled Sarah
The limo stopped falling.
“What?” asked Freddy.
“If you continue to read that, the limo will crash!”
Sarah was right. Freddy noticed a rocky mountain in the windshield. It was completely sedentary.
“TWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
The mountain neared exponentially.
“OOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEE-”
The limo rested on a large boulder.
“Everyone get out!!! And grab your stuff!” yelled Freddy.
The three of them reached out for their belongings scattered about the van. Brandy went to the door and pulled the handle. The limo did not have childproof locks, luckily, though she considered that it might be dangerous if a toddler fell 35,000 feet.
The rhinocirrus clouds floated away inconspicuously. Upon exiting the vehicle, fog hindered their vision. Brandy touched down on the dry, tan ground. Pebbles and silt were sprinkled across the ground like powdered sugar. Sarah and Freddy exited the vehicle after her. They looked at the limo, perched precariously on the fender on top of a grey, grey rock. It did not know fire would lick it black in a few moments.
“Let’s go,” said Freddy, “There’s more to the letter.”
The three walked away from the limo and made little effort to hurry Brandy and Sarah felt comfortably safe. The fog cleared as they strolled farther and farther away from a potential threat.
They were on a road high on some hills. Valleys creeped between the mountains. Dry grasses covered the hills around them with a few moss green shrubs throughout. It looked like the hills were covered topped with olives. They were in a chapparal ecosystem.
After walking for a few minutes down the road, Freddy asked, “Do you guys think it’s safe to read the note now?”
“Yeah, I think so,” said Sarah
Brandy nodded.
Freddy brought the missive up to his face and read, “BOOM!”
An explosion rocked the mountain! A tremor made them almost lose their balance. They couldn’t see it, but pieces of limousine and concert hall were mixed with the pebbles and silt. The rock turned black like I thought it would. Curiously, after the cloud of smoke and debris would go away, the rock would completely forget anything had ever happened.
Freddy continued, saying, “You’re probably dead and can’t read this, but in case you somehow are, go to Fillmore. I’ll be there so I can help you and, if you’re dead, retrieve your corpses. There’s work to do and you’re due to work!
Sincerely,
Robobby”
“Where do you think he is now?” asked Brandy
“He’s probably slothing about as children do his work for him. Do you know he’s only seven years old?” said The Ultimate Creator of Everything.
They looked at him.
“What are you doing here?” they asked.
“Oh, sorry! I just came to drop off a package!”
He held in his hands a small white box with a red bow on top.
“I can’t stand having this! I do not want to be responsible for it! You guys better take it! You’re luckier than me.”
“Are you going to tell us what’s inside?” asked Sarah.
“It’s bait.”
“There’s a reason for us getting this, isn’t there?”
“Maybe. What’s the problem with that? I just like helping.”
“Do we really need all this help?” asked Brandy.
“Yes! You guys don’t know what you’re getting into. Luckily this bait will help you catch the biggest fish this side of the hemisphere! You’ll need it! So take care of it like you take care of- [“Ooh!” he thought.] Diana’s Boyfriend!”
“You know his name,” exclaimed Freddy, “don’t you?!”
Principal Wilbur sighed.
“Yes, but I can’t tell you guys. That’s not the way it works! Giving away information on my students is illegal!”
“You have authorities?” questioned Sarah.
Principal Wilbur said, “No, but I have morals. Now, I’m leaving! Take care of the box for your own sake. I can’t get you out of every jam. Oh, and take care of Diana’s Boyfriend! He’s magically delicious and I’ll kill all of you if anything happens to him. In fact, I hope you all die right now so I can regrow him and, and…”
He threw the box into the air as hard as he could.
“You better catch it when it lands! Don’t let the bait break!”
He turned around and ran off the mountain, staying upright even as he sprinted off perpendicular slopes. They couldn’t see him after a while, but that was because had actually shrunken down and entered an ant hole. He then had dinner with a family of ants, which could only have dinner because he allowed them to.
Freddy, Brandy, and Sarah all stopped watching Mr. Wilbur’s antics. The late afternoon sun shined brightly in their eyes. Brandy asked, “So now what?”
Freddy answered, “I don’t know. I think we should go to Fillmore, definitely. We still have to do the tasks.”
“So let’s just keep going down this road?” asked Sarah.
“I guess so. Unless we decide to run off the mountain.”
They commenced their walk down the mountain path in the search for civilization. A few moments later, Freddy asked Brandy, “So Brandy. Where do you come from?”
Oh boy. Another background chapter.
Chapter I Drew A Dinosaur!
Oh Darn It!
They were going to spend the rest of eternity sandwiched by two primates if they didn’t do something before the end of time. None of them could think of anything to do, especially with Frank dying. Brandy reached down while holding her flashlight still and tried comforting him.
“Frank, listen!” said Brandy.
“Frank, there’s no need…” added Freddy before he stopped.
Freddy felt the kick. His body blurred and whirred. Freddy felt an augmented sensation, like a clock jumping from seven to six to five and back to one. His Psionics coursed and excited! He became a puddle. Freddy’s emotions deteriorated. He could not stop crying. Frank now lost response and could not be awoken. Through the veil of fear all he wanted was to not be anywhere and for Frank’s health.
PSI is a touchy subject which, in the eyes of many, is illogical. How a being can become magic itself is a strange phenomena! I cannot bear witness to many individuals with such great capacity, but I think it’s caused by the grouping of magic in certain regions, mainly inside soon to be mommies. No, not storks. I don’t even know what one looks like.
Freddy pressed his hands against Frank’s robe and lost any conscious concerns. PSI flooded.
Freddy, Sarah, and Brandy swirled about a globe. Freefall stretched all around it. Their lungs, organs, and bodies in general were transmuted into each other. They did not need to breathe, but felt pressure plundering forth. Fluid and amorphous, they drained betwixt the folds and spilled into their forms.
Freddy, Sarah, and Brandy were, amazingly, more stunned than the primates, both of whom were not stunned anymore. The primates looked onto the ground at Frank. The other ones were gone, leaving easy pickings on the ground. Their eyes lit the ensuing darkness.
Brandy, Sarah, and Freddy stumbled onto their legs. Brandy tried crawling on all fours while Freddy and Sarah felt uneasiness in their esophagi. It burned. The air on the floor pecked at their skin and made them shiver. Brandy could see a lit sky before her. Freddy, with his nose pressed to the ground, made indistinguishable noises and felt like stagnating with the rest of the rot. He closed his eyes and hoped his daze would clear amidst the shivers.
A shout rang out! Frank cried once, but then muffled and stopped. Sarah regained her senses and yelled, “FRANK!!!”
…
The Queen of Mars thought she heard something.
“Frank!”
She was now sixteen years old. The Martians, with their accelerated metabolisms, thought she was bound to die any day soon. They would wonder why she and her forefathers would live seven times longer than any other Martian before it was too late. The tainted Garnica regime would devastate the nationalistic Martians and soil their pride for the next decade thereafter if they discovered her obvious, yet through-no-fault-of-her-own ruse.
She heard this distant cry and remembered. She had given up the search to find Brandy after noticing there were a lot more people on Earth than she thought. Reports from the last visit to Earth forty years before stated there were only small bands and clans of them grazing the fields and pastures of the planet. Turned out there were six and half billion of them. The worst part: they were all eerily similar and generic. She couldn’t tell one from the other, save a few.
Laura grimaced and tried to repress everything. She begged her servant for duloxetine.
Sarah looked around. Brandy was fixing upon her feet while Freddy lay on the ground. The chimp could be heard crying with enthusiasm. The sasquatch cheered as well (rhythmically?). They were a ways off, by the sound of it.
Sarah was utterly embittered. She felt a great heave come across her lungs. Her eyes grew with streaming anger. She heard pops and cheers. This, to many people, is what would have reminded many a people of what they call a party. Sarah could not have known. She looked attentively at her surroundings and found a Random Plank of Wood. She ran her fingers along the grain as she picked it up with gleaming eyes.
Freddy placed his hands firmly on the ground and pushed himself upwards. He moaned slightly.
SMAAASH!!!
Freddy fell to the forest floor.
“SARAH!” screamed Brandy desperately, “WHY DID YOU-”
“HE KILLED FRANK!!”
Sarah fell to her knees and sobbed uncontrollably.
Brandy croaked out under flowing tears, “WE CAN’T TURN ON EACH OTHER, SARAH!”
Sarah did not respond.
“WELL, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT FREDDY?! WE ARE NOT GOING TO LEAVE HIM HERE!”
Sarah got up and forced an austere mask. She went over to his backpack and grabbed it swiftly.
“You can stay here by yourself. I’m leaving”
“Sarah,” continued Brandy after taking a deep, settling breath, “where are you going?”
“Silicon Valley.”
“She turned around and started.
“Sarah. Stop.”
She did not.
“Sarah,” continued Brandy, “You are not going to leave Freddy here. I hope for your sake you feel guilt.”
“He didn’t.”
“Freddy didn’t try to kill Frank. I don’t know what he was trying to do, but he wouldn’t do something like-”
“Hey, I just noticed something.”
In the blink of Brandy’s eye, Sarah aimed a small, red device at her.
“It’s dangerous for me to go alone. Stand up.”
“What is that?”
“It’s a Paper Cutter. It gives paper cuts and cuts things into paper. Get up.”
“No, Sarah. I am not going to let Freddy get anymore hurt.”
“Whose side are you on?” she said with an exasperated expression.
“Sarah, you need to calm down. There are no sides!”
Sarah took the safety off and made a click!
“You’re not going to paper cut me. You’ll be left alone without anyone.”
“What are you going to do?! Just wait for those apes to attack you and Freddy.”
Brandy looked down at Freddy, unmoving, and stuttered, “Yes.”
Sarah took the second safety off. Click!
“Frank wouldn’t have wanted this! He would want us to stay friends and help each other! Sarah, please count and think!”
Sarah counted out loud “One, two,…-”
The “three” was never heard audibly. Instead, either by coincidence or dramatic tension, a third click! was heard.
Brandy looked down nudged Freddy. He did not budge.
She said acceptingly, “Fine, Sarah, I’m on your side…”
Sarah put the Paper Cutter down.
“Come,” Sarah insisted.
Brandy paced forward.
“Don’t betray me like him.”
Brandy screamed, “He never betrayed you!”
Sarah put up her gun again.
Brandy took a breath and said, “Sarah, let’s just go.”
Sarah lowered her arms, but kept the gun in her hands. Brandy turned around and looked at Freddy once more.
The labyrinth was all but dispersed. Light shone from above and guided them through, even though they had no idea where they were going. The mist cleared around them, but still hid everything past a few hundred fifty feet. They walked for half an hour. The entire time Brandy didn’t speak to Sarah. But then that moment came!
“Sarah, I don’t think this is right.”
Finally, Sarah said, “I’ve heard you.”
“Wow. I didn’t think you’d actually talk to me. No, I don’t think this is the right way.”
“And why would you think that?”
“Because I haven’t been saying anything nice about you.”
Sarah paused and said, “No, I mean why do you think we’re not going the right way?!”
“Because I hear something moving in the trees.”
Sarah listened. The wind shook the treetops.
“There’s nothing…”
Sarah realized what was happening and pulled out her device.
“YOU’RE TRYING TO TURN AROUND! FOR FREDDY! I THOUGHT YOU WERE ON MY SIDE!!”
“Yes, I do want to go back, but I really think-”
“GO BACK!”
“Sarah-”
Three clicks! went off.
Brandy, frustrated, turned with her left shoulder and ran back. She felt absolutely relieved.
Sarah took out her flashlight and held the device in her other hand. She kept trekking along the thin pines. She started seeing oaks in the setting.
*Chimp Shriek!*
Sarah looked at the rustling leaves above. Her skin shook as the beat emanated from behind the trunk of the tree. She saw chimp above pointing at her with fury.
“His eyes are so pretty…” she thought.
The sasquatch stepped from behind the tree. She turned on her flashlight and pointed it at the chimp. With her other hand, she pointed the Paper Cutter at the sasquatch.
The sasquatch received mortal damage! Slashes graced his body like a tattered raiment. Golden fur was stained red with blood. The chimp was stunned with a pinecone in his hand. The sasquatch fell to the floor and writhed. That’s when Sarah caught the wretched odor of the sasquatch. He smelled like cheese and eggs in a horse stable.
A dark, mystic woman appeared! Sarah was amazed by her apparition! She tried paper cutting her too, but nothing happened. Her red, glittery dress sparked like magnesium with every shot!
The girl stood over the sasquatch. She struck a pose. Then another pose. Finally, on the last pose, she yelled, “HEAL!!!”
The sasquatch was revitalized! He spun around, bounced up on all fours, and landed on two. The sasquatch looked at the woman with gratefulness. She smiled back. The bad smell went away, along with the girl.
Meanwhile, the chimp hopped off the armored branches of the tree. “Why was he moving?”, you ask. Sarah wasn’t there anymore, and neither was the flashlight. Just as the astonishing woman appeared, Sarah did the opposite. Not that she did it, but it happened to her. They couldn’t see anyone anymore and heard the silence’s grand chorus. This disturbed the sasquatch; he noticed he didn’t have his audio device around his head anymore. The sasquatch’s systolic and diastolic pressures increased to a near lethal level. A painful knock on his chest made him focus. He looked down at the chimp. The chimp signed, “I lost my ID!”
He signed back, “Are you kidding me?! Look what I lost!!!”
“Let’s look for it!” he signed with a look that could tumble trees.
They searched feverously here and there. They’d have to look a few thousand feet higher if they ever wanted to find them.
Chapter 17eventeen
Wow! A Forest! Wait, What’s In There?
John (another John) woke up at 7:30 AM like every other day. Precisely at 7:30 AM. He readied for work like the day before and made preparations for the latter. Whilst spiffying up, he dropped his tooth brush as he brushed his teeth. John knelt down and picked it up. He rinsed his toothbrush, rinsed his mouth, and exited the bathroom. Going to the dresser, he noticed dust floating in the air. He reminded himself to go to church more often. He looked towards the mirror in the dresser and did his tie… forward, backward… done. He saw some lint on his chest and reached for the lint roller. John rolled the lint off. He looked at himself in the mirror and smiled. A bit narcissistic, yes, but anything to raise his self esteem and enthusiasm. He walked out of his house and into his car.
The car sprang to life and zoomed along the expanse of the city. John adjusted his rearview mirror. He noted an orange car behind him.
Once he arrived at his work building, he entered through the main entrance. He traversed towards his cubicle through the slithering crowd. John saw a lady with glasses along the way. Once at his cubicle, he looked at a picture of his parents. John smiled. On the border of his mind, he saw the color burnt sienna. John carried on and picked up his phone. He worked away.
…
The group of children walked across the fields of grass. Let me put that into better terms: they had been walking across the fields of grass for quite a while. The four of them walked into the night, the chirps of crickets and slight zephyrs about. They rejoiced. The night sky brought cool feelings and wondrous, diamond studded heavens. They walked the shadows without any tire and continued onto dawn break. The sun rose in a waltz of vivid reds and tumultuous orange! Their eyes glimmered. Yellow sunlight sprayed down once more, embarking a new day.
SECOND DAY
There were still no white clouds in sight, as they could see. They made simple, nonsensical conversations all the while. Finally, Brandy screamed, “Are those trees?!”
Brandy saw a dark green smear on the horizon. They all sighed with relief and said things like, “Finally!” or, “Yes!”
They picked up their speed and ventured onwards. An hour or so into the walk, the trees upgraded, now having dimension and shapes. They looked to be sugar pines, but they wouldn’t know until two hours later when they finally reached the edge of the forest. All the trees were bunched together tightly, forming a natural wall of some sort. No human could shimmy their way through the trees. There was an opening nearby, though.
“Maybe we shouldn’t go inside, guys…” said Brandy.
“Do you want to stay out here forever?” asked Frank.
“No, but we need a safety measure. Do any of you have anything to find this exit again?”
“Don’t you have your oboe?” asked Sarah.
“My reed split. I can’t play notes anymore.”
“Wait, are you being serious? When did it split?”
“Yesterday.”
“How?”
“I don’t know. Reeds do that. I don’t have anymore.”
“Darn it!” exclaimed Sarah.
“You guys,” added Frank, “are idiots! Don’t you want to know what’s inside?! One of our tasks could be in there! We’ll be fine! The Creator wouldn’t give us a big speech if he weren’t going to protect us, right?”
“Yes, but we can’t be invincible, can we? If not this whole adventure would be pointless.” intervened Freddy.
“He doesn’t make sense. I feel like he doesn’t even know what he’s doing. But he knows more about stuff than we do, so let’s go!”
“At least drop some pebbles or something!” said Brandy.
Sarah grabbed a handful of leaves and twigs. Brandy did so as well.
They started down the entrance of the forest. Trees tall. Air dark. They went down a corridor of goliaths with their arms crossed. They smelled dank, rotten leaves which cooled their sinuses and opened passageways in their mind. All the while, Brandy and Sarah dropped their marks freely, knowing they could grab more on the sides. They reached the end of the entrance and by now it felt seven hours older. They could only take a right; the trees bunched in all other directions. Brandy looked over her shoulder and saw the bright outside. She focused and they all took a right.
Fog formed. They could no longer see much ahead. They came to a spot where they had to take an immediate left. Next was a spot where they had two choices: left or right.
Brandy screamed, “I knew it! Sarah, can you get more leaves? We need to make a defined trail.”
They went down the left trail. As they made their way, they felt a slight tremor through their bodies. They came upon another area where they had three choices: left, right, or forward. They went forward. Again, three choices.
“Let’s go straight,” said Frank.
“No, let’s go right!” said Brandy
They went straight, since no one listens to Brandy.
And that’s when they heard a monkey’s shriek in the distance.
“You guys, let’s turn around now!” exclaimed Brandy.
“But-” Frank tried saying before another shriek was heard. Frank didn’t want to argue and kept quiet.
They Brandy and Sarah were panicked. Freddy was curious?
“What was that?” he asked.
“What?!” asked Sarah.
“What was it?”
“I think it was a chimp…” she said with concern.
“What’s that?”
They were hurrying down the path, but Freddy’s ignorance made Sarah almost stop.
“A chimp! You know, a chimp!”
“No.”
In what little she could see in his eyes she could tell he wasn’t lying.
“They’re like monkeys. They’re great apes. Except bigger. And with size comes the thirst for blood.”
They weren’t too far from the exit, at least. Something resonated around them. Their skin shook.
Brandy turned a corner, but made a quick U-turn. Her face was disheveled and contorted. She whispered/screamed, “GO BACK!!!” She ran. They ran.
Frank felt alive! They headed in any direction away from the deep, guttural beat. Freddy asked, “Was it a chimp?”
“NO! It was a tall, hairy man! A bigfoot!” she said with exasperation.
“I thought you said it was a chimp!” said Frank with a slight ferocity unknown to them.
The chimp’s screech dazzled their ears! It was above them in their proximity. It screeched once more.
The kids kept making turns. None of them could remember the way back. At least they all stuck together.
A dozen paths were taken before a word was spoken.
“Do you guys have a flashlight?” asked Frank.
The shrieks started again, but with much fervor! It almost sounded as if the chimp were jumping up and down. The trees swung to and fro as they lobbed a chimp at each other.
Sarah wore her backpack on her front to look for her flashlight. They shrieks came from above. She grabbed her FrightLight, but Brandy swiped it from her hands.
Fun Fact: FrightLights are flashlights which run on terror, anxiety, and other emotions when you need a light most, created by Sarah herself.
Brandy found the “ON” button, pushed it, and pointed it at the source of the wild screams.
A chimp turned away as he hung from the tree tops. They were able to see black blotches surrounded by jade rings before they dilated to horrid periods. Hands quickly covered his face. It was a pale brown, a light brunette (unlike most chimps). It made a slight grunt from fear of the flashlight. And it had something dull on its back. Their eyebrows furled.
The deep guttural beat became louder. They could feel it.
A figure appeared from whence they came. Brandy instinctively turned the flashlight towards it.
The thing was not a hairy man, but a primate as well. Opulent indigo eyes dilated like an aperture. His hands came over face. He was covered in reflective, almost blinding blonde fur. It was around seven point four feet tall. Unlike the chimp, he was broad and somewhat stocky. And something metallic was on his head. They looked like head phones.
Brandy shrieked at the sight of the sasquatch. The others had looks of dismay. The sasquatch was completely stunned. Sarah turned around and noticed there was dead end. She put her backpack on the ground and unzipped the top. She snatched the flashlight from Brandy’s hand with a slight struggle and propped it into her backpack.
Thud
Two flashlights sprang forth into the air from the backpack. Sarah caught one as the other fell to the ground. I know, a really cool hero could have caught both, but Sarah is cool in other aspects! She turned it on without much thought (or time left to live).
The chimp became absolutely stunned. He cowered and shrank. Brandy looked down and pawed for the flashlight. She turned it on just as the sasquatch became oriented. Both were immobile.
“Let’s move back!” whispered Sarah.
The four edged away from the primates. They kept their flashlights on them until they turned the corner. At that point, the chimp was darkness’s comfort and move once more. He climbed the trees once more and cackled. Brandy kept her flashlight pointed at the sasquatch and Sarah looked for the chimp.
“There he is!” screamed Brandy.
Sarah pointed her flashlight in the direction specified.
“No he’s not!”
“Oh, I thought I saw something move!”
The chimp threw a coconut at them from a distance away.
Frank received mortal damage! He was bleeding out…
I just want to take this time to mention ever since I was young I’ve always confused pine trees with palm trees.
“FRANK!!!” cried Brandy.
Frank could barely stay upright.
Sarah panicked and, after a moment, finally said, “Let’s go!”
They ran and Frank limped as quickly as he could. The sasquatch revitalized and turned a corner they could not see (if they had been looking in his direction).
The four heard the chimp above a ways off. They made turns, but stopped when they saw a figure in front. Their spines crawled with the beat. Sarah and Brandy pointed their flashlights at him.
“Turn around?!” asked Brandy.
They started behind them when another thud shook their temples. Sarah, hands shaking, pointed the flashlight at the chimp who plopped in front of them. He dropped his rapier.
“What do we do?” asked Sarah
The beat. That darn beat! Brandy turned around and pointed the flashlight toward the sasquatch, only an arm’s length away.
Frank groaned and fell to the ground.
Freddy fell to the ground and tried reviving him.
They were trapped between the two killer apes with one of them bleeding out. At least their fear would keep the lights on.
61 retpahC
The Ignorant Truth…
Brandy patted Sarah on the back.
“Come on, Sarah! They’re great inventions!”
Frank added, “Yeah! Look at the Polite Particle Repulsor!”
“It doesn’t repulse particles! It only repulses atoms!”
Freddy asked, “But what about the Stranger Taker or the S-ray?”
“You’re right! The Stranger Taker is probably the only invention I’ve ever made that truly works. Maybe I do have potential! I’m not proud of the S-Ray, though.”
A thought crossed Freddy’s mind.
“So how does the S-Ray work?”
“I’m not really sure. I think it works by shooting extremely tiny atoms as bullets. The tiny atoms, after being shot, are tachyonic, “stem” atoms. Every time they come into contact with an atom, it replaces it and copies the atom it pushes out of the way. They then become inert and settle down to create an exact miniature replica of the object-”
“So, the original Diana’s Boyfriend is gone?”
“Ummm, well, I can’t be sure, but the fact that he has the same exact atoms as the old one makes him the same person.”
Freddy worriedly added, “There must be more to a person than the atoms which make them.”
He grabbed Dian’s Boyfriend’s bottle, handed it to her, and commanded, “Please look inside and tell me what you see. Stare at him.”
Diana’s Boyfriend was in there saying something inaudible. She looked in there and focused. It was absolutely sublime.
“Sarah?!”
“Huh? What?”
“Do you have any blue prints for the S-Ray?”
“I have notes on it, but why is this so important? Diana’s Boyfriend is still amazing,” she said as she put him down on the ground and took out her notebook from her backpack.
“His original self may be gone entirely! You may have discovered a way to kill someone without orders. And if Diana’s Boyfriend is dead, well… I don’t know what we’ll do, but I can’t imagine living life with the knowledge that I ended someone’s life.”
“Then don’t read it. You’ll never know and this new him will live on in his place.”
Freddy ignored her and tried alleviating his conscience. He examined the yellow notebook paper, but looked confused. Frank and Brandy walked over as Freddy held it out so they could all see.
Frank exclaimed, “Sarah! You used magic in your machine!”
“What? I couldn’t! It doesn’t exist!”
“Wait,” intervened Brandy, “You’ve been around us this whole time and you don’t believe in magic?”
“No. You guys are just influencing and controlling physical anomalies.”
Frank continued with, “See ‘Pure Liquid Stem Atoms’? That’s pure yellow magic!”
“How could you think that’s magic?”
“Yellow magic is the only magic that can shrink and enlarge matter without adding, compressing, or changing any matter. It’s great if you want to keep the integrity of magicked objects or victims. Remember when we were llamas and the kiwis and the Oprah?”
“Yeah.”
“That was blue magic, a slightly lesser form than yellow magic. We, along with all the others, got entirely new but entirely identical bodies!”
“Wait, what?” asked Freddy and Brandy.
“Yeah! Or at least that’s how I think it works. The mind is kept intact, though. I think. Magic is mysterious, so I’m not really sure, but all I know is yellow magic is very special. I can’t even use or control yellow magic! Ninety nine percent of the wizard community cannot use yellow magic! Although, those statistics were forced to include Harry Potter fans…”
Brandy said, “Frank, are you saying we may not even be the same person anymore?”
“We are, we are. We’re alive, right? Miss Marvel could have killed us, but she didn’t.”
Freddy added, “I still don’t feel-”
A voice arose and said, “You guys have your original bodies! Get a move on!”
“Mr. Wilbur?” asked Freddy.
“I know there was no yellow magic involved, but I pulled some strings and gave you guys along with everyone affected by Miss Marvel’s magic their original bodies.”
Frank asked, “Do you always do that to people?”
“What?”
“Control them and take away their free will?”
“What?! I give you your original body and you think I’m controlling you?”
“I just thought you’re not supposed to mess with the way things unwind. A light push in the right direction, maybe, but not a complete overhaul with your omnipotent powers! That’s like playing a game of chess against yourself!”
“Frank Besnik, are you actually saying this to your creator? The Creator of Everything?!”
No one heard him after the stunning revelation.
“Your last name is Besnik?!” the others asked.
Mr. Wilbur said, “Fine, you’re right. I guess I’ll make you guys forget what I’ve said just now. And Frank: I don’t have to listen to you. I’m still going to interrupt you guys whenever I want. Heck, maybe I’ll do it more often! You’d know better than I would, wouldn’t you? Wouldn’t you?! I’m sorry you guys had to see me angry.”
Everyone was paused by this moment. They had become preogressively slower until they could not move. Mr. Wilbur’s voice heaved.
“Now, Brandy, if you wouldn’t mind, say what you were going to say right before you went on that whole talk about blue magic and worrying over your body which I lovingly gave you guys back.”
Brandy said, “I thought you were an amazing, all powerful mage. I thought you could use all kinds of magic.”
Frank retorted, “No, not all of it. I do know purple magic, though, and I’ve never met anyone who can use that.”
“What’s purple magic?”
“I don’t know. It’s all around, but I can control it with a wand. No one even uses it in spells.”
“Is it better than musical magic?”
“Green magic is better than the magic of music.”
“Wait, really?”
“No. But purple magic is better. One day I’ll show you my notes on magic that I’ve discovered.”
“Why not now?”
“Because I have to ask Sarah how she didn’t notice she was using magic.”
“No!” exclaimed Sarah, “I never used magic because it doesn’t exist!”
“Where did you get these tiny atoms?”
“Penumbridge gave them to me.”
“In what?”
“It was a long, thin, metallic tube. He told me to figure out how to open it.”
“Sarah, you’re not making any sense!” said Brandy, “When do you believe in Penumbridge?!”
“I don’t know! But what I do know is that magic does not exist!”
“Okay Sarah,” continued Frank, “but you should at least know yellow magic has not only the ability to shrink atoms while still preserving them, but the effects of every other magic! You can do almost anything with yellow magic and more! You should think about training in it. I can’t help you and I don’t know anyone that can help you, but… Well, you should still train in it.”
“I would love to but it doesn’t exist. Okay?”
Freddy intervened and asked, “Hey, is that a cloud?”
“Where?” they asked, “I don’t see it.”
“Ummm, it’s one of those blue clouds. Let’s follow it!”
He grabbed Diana’s Boyfriend on the ground and handed it to Sarah. She put him in her backpack. Freddy made first breach onto the unbound territory. He had almost forgotten how the plump grass felt like walking across a plateau of pillows. The others, oh-so trusting of their fond friend Freddy, followed earnestly. They felt discouraged with the flat horizon ahead and all around. Luckily, Freddy held high hopes as he looked onwards. They didn’t know why, but they felt deeply endeared.
Chapter▐◄▌
There and Back Again, Then There Once More
“Look through that backpack! I hope it’s that one! Darn Diana’s Boyfriend’s Beauty Radiance! It’s making me even blinder!” blasted out (but kindly) Big Beauty. The small hill that was Peon T under a sweater was looking through the bag. He screamed, “@%!$# THESE BACKPACKS! They’re even bigger on the inside! I swear this is where Elvis is hiding!”
Big Beauty growled (but sweetly), “Peon! Watch your sailor’s mouth! Even though I swear a lot, especially when we May-ree-oh Care-t.”
“IT’S PRONOUNCED MARIO KART! WHY WOULD YOU…”
A dim gold light lit up the inside of the cavernous sweater. As he pulled the bottle from within the backpack, his eyes widened to a hazy blue. Peon was utterly awestruck. Everything about him was in the right place. Everything was the right size, except of course for his overall size of six inches. But besides that, Peon had never felt the extreme anxiety from being around handsome people. Except for Big Beauty, who is GORGEOUS!
“Hey!” said Diana’s Boyfriend.
Peon T was still quiet. His mouth was wide open. He was forgetting to breathe. He croaked, “Hi.”
“Ummm, what’s your name?”
“Peon? What happened? Why did you… Did you find him?!”
“It’s Queen T. I serve Big Beauty, the most beautiful girl in the world. Have… have we met before?”
“Peon! Answer me please!”
“No I don’t. Or at least I don’t remember you. I’m not from here.”
“Peon!”
He looked up and said, “YES, I FOUND HIM!”
“Great! Bring him out here! I want to see his fuzzy outline,” she barked (but cutely).
Peon T grabbed the bottle and took off his sweater (by tunneling out). He held him up high to show Big Beauty.
“Is that really him? He’s so small!”
“YES! HE’S… ENTHRALLING.”
“Ooooh, really?”
She knelt down and focused as best she could. The bright light around him disturbed her eyes but for a split second the fuzziness went away.
A vacuum of enormous proportions scrounged about 20,000 nearby insects into the unsuspecting lungs of Big Beauty. She would have noticed if her vision hadn’t suddenly cleared. She hadn’t ever felt the lightness of her head without a ton of ocular enhancement window panes. She could see the grass fields that stretched over yonder and the contours and dents of her sweater on the ground. But, of course, all she wanted to do was look at him.
“Oh… my… you’re absolutely stunning! You’re even more beautiful than Leesa! You’re unspeakably handsome! I just want to… I… I don’t know what I want to do to you! You fixed my vision… I love you. Peon, please carry him on the pillow. Let’s go!”
Diana’s Boyfriend said, “Wait, do I get any choice in this?” but nobody heard him. Peon T grabbed a purple pillow and placed his bottle on it. He climbed onto her shoe and she started walking away.
The walk was silent. Peon T and Big Beauty hardly talked to each other when he rode on her foot because of how uncomfortable their conversations were. Diana’s Boyfriend sat laid on the cramped ground in the bottle and thought silently. The walk was silent for an hour. After an hour, though, they heard screams behind them. Big Beauty glanced over her shoulder. When she noticed who they were, she felt slightly triumphant and continued walking away.
……
Frank, panting, told Sarah, “Please just use the PPR on her!”
Sarah handed him a note which read:
IOU some clever and ingenious weapons!
Sincerely,
Mr. Wilbur, The Ultimate Creator of Everything
Frank was befuddled.
“Fine then! I’ll do something for once!”
He thought for a second and decided to rummage through his backpack. He took out a fireworks launcher.
“Do any of you have matches?”
Sarah took out a matchbox from one of her backpack pockets. She lit the match and handed it to him in a rush. Frank lit the fuse and firmly held the launcher in his hands. He steadied his aim towards the giant. A second later a whoosh sounded through the air, although it wasn’t very loud.
Big Beauty was hit in the face by a billion burning wisps. It was also very pretty. Big Beauty’s hair ignited (though not because of the firework) and chrysanthemums came plummeting from her nostrils. She turned around and blew a billion flowers onto the kids. The kids were bombarded with petioles and petals alike. None of them were hurt nor dazed, though, so it was all in good fun.
Big Beauty was still angry. She started for them when she noticed a speck running towards them on the ground. Peon skedaddled over to the kids as fast as he could. He nearly tripped over a gopher hole along the way and made it to the four of them panting.
“Here. Take him!”
He held out the bottle in which Diana’s Boyfriend was nestled.
“What?” said everyone surprised (although one of them said it with immeasurable fury)
“My name’s Thomas.”
Frank said out loud, “Oh! Your name’s Thomas?! I guess I don’t know you. But you look like someone I used to know. Why did you tell us your name?”
“I… have my reasons.”
“THOMAS! Get back Diana’s Boyfriend now!”
“Right now I spoke my true name to the world just to show you I’m serious! You want me to get Diana’s Boyfriend? NO! He’ll get in the way… of us.”
Big Beauty looked awestruck (but cantankerous). She knelt down to listen and spoke.
“Do you… Do you really mean it?”
“Big Beauty, I think you’re something special. I don’t know how tall you are, but I know you’ve got a big prefrontal cortex. Plus, your heart must be the size of two elephants to keep you alive.”
“That’s so… ambiguous. I had no idea you were into giant four-eyed monsters, let alone women.”
“I didn’t think that either. Until I met you.”
“I love cheesy romance that doesn’t seem real! Are you sure you like me?”
“Never fall in love without tucking in the sheets first.”
“I don’t get it.”
“You don’t have to get it.”
“No, I don’t get why you had to give away Diana’s Boyfriend. They’re running off. I’m going to get them.”
“They are?”
Thomas turned around to see the four kids off in the distance sprinting in calamity.
“Eh, leave them alone. You can’t get him without me getting him for you, anyway, and I really want to spend some time with you. Can you please leave them alone for me?”
“Okay. But we’ll get them later, right? I still want Diana’s Boyfriend.”
“I do too. Isn’t he hot?”
“Yes. Did you see his dimples?”
“Yeah, but they don’t compare to the stark, jade green your eyes emit.”
Big Beauty smiled and screamed (but delicately), “Diana’s Boyfriend can wait. We’ll turn him into a trophy and add him to my room. Then my collection will truly begin.”
“Yup. I give them three days before they’re dead. Diana’s Boyfriend will scream for help, and with his cries his beauty will scream out to us.”
Big Beauty grabbed Thomas and placed him on her shoulder. He added, “By the way, you don’t have four eyes anymore.”
“Oh yeah. I forget.”
FIRST DAY
Wind. Panting. No one could say anything. They all looked behind in fear.
Big Beauty was walking away casually. After a minute only the top of her head could be seen in the distant horizon.
“I think we’re finally in for the clearing!” exclaimed Frank.
They all sighed cheerfully.
It was after noon now. It had been a day back on Earth.
“What do we do now?” asked Freddy.
Brandy whinnied, “Oh, all I want to do is rest. Can’t we rest for a little bit?”
“Not until we get the Lamp! Didn’t we get enough of a rest in Purgatory?”
“Well,” continued Freddy, “since Big Beauty scared all of the clouds away, we don’t know where to go. As we wait for the clouds to reappear, why don’t we sit down and share a story or two?”
“Should we really follow the clouds? They don’t have feelings nor are they sentient. We’re relying basically on the differences of pressure in air masses,” stated Sarah
“They seem to know more than us, though.”
“I guess, but I get to tell a story then!”
“Go for it!”
Everyone sat. Frank laid Diana’s Boyfriend on the ground, upon which he sat as well. Sarah said, “Okay! I know a good story! It’s called
Chapter One-Five
In Saphollow, There Is Sarah!
See, I was born in a village called Saphollow! By the time I was born, I had already constructed a car that runs on babies’ tears! The village people knew I would be a great inventor because of that. Plus I had built my own parents, so that earned me even higher pay. Oh, I forgot to mention I have robot parents. Well, anyway, all my life was dedicated to inventing! I couldn’t stop! I kept making inventions in my sleep! Some days I’d wake up with automated toasters that fill your car’s tires with air and comb that could read Braille. I filed for copyrights and patents. The village of Saphollow was small before I arrived. By the time I was nine, the town was so rich they made it a requirement for everyone living there to be millionaires! They even changed the town’s name to Silicon Valley! Everything was fine: my parents loved me more than any human could (robots can love more than humans, in a way) and everyone around me was happy with the money they made. All good things came to an end, though. A letter came in on my tenth birthday, saying I had to go to school. And not just any school: Frankfurt Middle School. When I read it, I screamed and told my mom I wasn’t going. She said I had to go or they’d be arrested and tried as humans. I went, for my parents of course. The night I left, I hugged my parents goodbye. I had all the necessary supplies for school and we stood outside. A red limousine rolled up the newly industrialized town. Once the taxi stopped, Penumbridge popped out. I forgot what he said, but it was something along the lines of, “Bluh bluh, bluh, I hate kids, but apparently you need them at a middle school, so come along, you seafood ear.”
I told him I didn’t want to. He then said, “Bluh, blah, (gag), stupid kid! You’ll learn magic or whatever you dumbos like these days! So come along! Get in here!”
I said, “But I’m an inventor! My stinkin’ parents are robots!”
He looked at them.
“Yeah, they do look a bit different form the other dumb parents. You know what? I’ll make a deal with you! I’ll set up a special room for you so you can make inventions for me! Oh, and you can’t say no!”
He grabbed me and we flew into the sky. Huh, I wonder why I didn’t figure out he was a vampire before. So I made many inventions for Penumbridge. Fun Fact: I designed the Lug Nut Bots you guys hate, the Sentry Bots, and pretty much his entire army. Then you guys rescued me! Except…………………………………………………………………………………
I have a secret! ALL MY INVENTIONS ARE DUDS! My robot parents aren’t sentient; they only think they have emotions! You’ve seen how easily my Penumbridge’s robots blow up! All of them have a flaw here or catch there. I’ve never made anything worth having! Nothing of mine works… *sob*… *sob*
(Cut the chapter! CUT THE CHAPTER!!!)
Chapter ЇЗ
n The
The sight of infinite white made them shudder. They could only think bad thoughts, except for Frank who kept trying to think of who Peon was along with bad thoughts. There was ground this time, though, which is a heck of a lot better than being stuck on a crummy raft for one hundred and one years. There was also a middle aged man in front of his desk staring at them. He screamed, “Kids! This isn’t Purgatory! This will only take a minute!”
They got up from the ground and resolved themselves.
“Okay, now where to begin… oh yeah! SARAH! Why didn’t you listen to me?! It’s all your fault! All those people… Can you live with yourself after that?”
“Maybe if you weren’t so vague I could.”
“I like your style! Nothing gets you down! Not even the genocide of millions of innocent lives! They’re all worthless, to tell you the truth. Just meat shields for bigger game! In the end, your entire life is just a stepping stone so the big man can cross the river. By the time I’m done with you guys, I’ll make sure you’re the stablest, most insignificant rock in the river!”
The kids stood there silently.
“Hi you guys! I’m the Ultimate Creator of Everything!”
Freddy asked, “Really? You created everything?”
“Yeah. Now you guys are in deep trouble! I have a lot to explain so try not to interrupt me. I’m going to explain what’s been going on. You know those teachers you’ve encountered? You’ve only encountered a few, but there will definitely be more! Most will be evil and soul-crushing, but some will aid you in your quest.”
He went behind the desk. The words “JOHN WILBUR” were on the wooden placard. There was also a laptop, a cup full of every imaginable color pencils, a cute pet rock with googly eyes, and a bright, shiny guava fruit.
He continued with, “I’m one of them. My name is John Wilbur. I am THE principal, unlike Mr. Held”
“I’m sorry, who?” asked Sarah.
“Oh, I’m sorry! I was thinking of someone else! You guys are the ones against Penumbridge, right?” he lied.
They all nodded.
“Fantastic! Go get him! Now, unlike him, I strive to keep the kids happy and the teachers nice, but things never go according my plans.”
“Yes they do!” said Sarah.
“Well, not this at least. Eventually the teachers formed a worker’s union known as CWAC. It stands for Cows With Apples Can. We don’t know what it means, but it surely isn’t good. After the recent events the teachers have noticed they can’t hurt you. They figured out something that could, though: other students! They’ve influenced them to hurt you and gut you like a guppy. The students seem unaware, or at least the ones I’ve watched. I’ve dubbed them as the Unnamed Unadults!”
He paused for a sigh, but it never came. He snapped his fingers. They all gave such a huge heave that they nearly gagged on their own epiglottises. He continued.
“They’re old and dangerous, but they’re mindsets are a little underneath the norm. Well, actually, some of them are quite normal, but the point is they can actually hurt you! You’ve already encountered three of them. I assume you already know who they are.”
They did.
“If you find anyone else who’s reluctant to give you their name, don’t trust them! They’re dangerous in some shape or form, whether you can see it or not. That’s how they get you! The only way they can’t hurt you is to tell them their real name! You should also try befriending them. They are people, of course, and they can do things for the people they like. On top of this, you still need to complete your tasks for Robby! You’ve only done one, so get to it! There are only three more books left! So, any questions? You only have a minute left.”
Frank asked, “Yeah, what books?”
“That’s big boy business. You’ll learn about it when you’re older.”
“No, I want to know!”
Mr. Wilbur silenced him.
“Can you give us their names?” asked Sarah.
“I don’t know their names! They’re from other universes!”
“I thought you were the Ultimate Creator of Everything,” rebutted Brandy.
“I created everything here. You know, all around you. Earth is my favorite place, by the way. We’re actually inside a cloud away from that giant down there, so we’re all safe.”
Sarah asked, “So you’re not really the Ultimate-”
“Time to go!”
The four of them vanished instantaneously.
Mr. Wilbur sat at his desk. He grabbed his mug and sipped it somberly. He dwelled on those big, white letters on the sides.
“Existence’s Greatest Creator…”
You wish you were!
“Ahh, shut up! You know you’re not even the greatest, most ultimate creator!”
Chapter Doce
Grass, Grass, Oh, and More Grass
Sunshine poured upon the relatively flat land. The sky was the bluest any of them had ever seen. Large, fluffy clouds, gathered in an exodus, roaming with the wind. The sun was yellower than a dandelion. Every color was so vibrant…. And the wind! Oh, the air felt so gentle.
The four went to Diana’s boyfriend. They all got a closer look at him. He wore a simple dark gray t-shirt, some blue jeans, skating shoes, and a beanie from which crops of brown, curly hair could be seen jutting out from underneath. Frank, Sarah, and Brandy all returned to their previous states of astoundment. Freddy actually tried talking to him amidst the roar of the Smurfs while the others just stared at him once more.
“Ummm, Diana’s boyfriend?”
“Hey! How do you know about Diana?”
“Oh, I read about you…. a long time ago… about… three years ago… Somehow I know you, but I’m not really sure how I do anymore. Anyway-”
“I’m sorry. What’s your name?”
“Freddy Kite. What’s yours again?”
“I’m not about to tell my name to someone I just met. But don’t worry. I trust you.”
“Not enough to tell me your name.”
“I guess not.”
Freddy sighed.
“Fine, what do you want me to call you?”
“I don’t know. Whatever you want, man.”
“Okay. Can I ask you something?”
“Sure, dude.”
“Where did you come from?”
“I came from a college campus.”
Diana’s Boyfriend kicked Smurfette off of his shoe.
“No, I mean where did you come from? Sarah’s machine brought you from where?”
“I don’t know what you mean. California?”
“I guess it doesn’t matter. I can’t blame you since you really don’t know what’s going on. Anyway, how old are you?”
“Seventeen.”
“Well, what are you doing to everyone?”
“I don’t know. They probably just like my shoes or something.”
“Yes, those are nice shoes, but that doesn’t explain why no one can talk or concentrate around you.”
The Smurfs kept cheering for him. Somehow they had created signs, posters, and other media of him.
“I really have no idea. Can I ask why your friends keep looking at me?”
Freddy didn’t have to guess hard
“I don’t know,” he responded.
“Weeelllll…”
“I’ll try.”
Freddy went to Frank and whispered, using his Truth Technique, “If you stare at him too long, he’ll disappear!”
Frank was relieved of infatuation! Freddy went to Sarah.
“He hates science.”
Sarah was relieved of infatuation! Freddy went to Brandy.
“The boy you love the most is in love with Diana’s Boyfriend.”
Brandy cried. At least she was relieved.
“Freddy,” asked Diana’s Boyfriend, “you’re familiar with this area, right?”
“Actually, I’ve never even heard of this place. We’re somewhere in Arizona, though.”
“This isn’t Arizona. There wouldn’t be any fields.”
“Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention you’re not in your world anymore, most likely. Sorry.”
“So this is still Earth, right? Why are there rings in the sky and a giant crater?”
“What year did you come from?”
“Two thousand ten.”
“It’s 2010 here as well. This is probably an alternate Earth. Where did you used to live?”
“A town called Fillmore, California in the United States of America.”
“Yeah, this is probably an alternate Earth. We have a California and a United States as well, but I’ve never heard of Fillmore.”
“No one’s ever heard of Fillmore. It’s a small town. Do you have a map?”
“Only a world map. Don’t worry, though. It probably exists and it’s probably a lot like your town.”
“If it’s anything like Arizona…”
“Arizona was blasted by trillions of Moon particles after the Moon crashed into the Earth ten years ago. Of course it’s very different!”
Diana’s Boyfriend didn’t know what to say to that. He felt a bit lost and out of place.
After a moment of silence he said, “Well, where do we go now?”
“I don’t think it matters. We could visit that small town of yours. Or we could go to that college if it exists.”
“Where do you need to go? I’ll tag along. I really have nowhere else to go. If that’s okay with you.”
“Sure! But we also have nowhere else to go. Well, we do, but… I’ll tell you the story later. Eventually the universe gets us where we need to go. Especially for you. The universe loves you!”
“Why would you say that?”
“If it weren’t for you, we’d still be in Purgatory. We were there for I think a century before you arrived.”
“How did you guys survive?”
“I have no idea. My only thought is that the place keeps you alive so you go insane. But when you arrived, this universe, our original universe, came practically crawling towards us and kissed your shoes. Along with Smurfette.”
“Yeah, how do we get the Smurfs to stop?”
Freddy stopped, got an idea, and looked to Sarah saying, “I’ve got an idea… Sarah! Do you have a bag sized furnace?”
She finally spoke.
“Yeah, ummm… [while bringing out her backpack]… here it is!”
She smiled at Diana’s Boyfriend.
“What’s keeping you so quiet?” asked Freddy.
The truth is Frank, Sarah, and Brandy were all very shy around him. Freddy’s techniques could not overpower Diana’s Boyfriend’s looks.
Freddy screamed, “Hey, Smurfs!”
None of them listened.
“Diana’s Boyfriend, can you please tell them to go inside that box?”
“Hey!” said Diana’s Boyfriend to the Smurfs, “Do you guys want … I don’t know… pictures of me?”
The Smurfs screamed!
“Please wait inside that box.”
He didn’t need much explanation. They all scrambled over to the furnace. Some were trampled to death. In a minute most of them were inside with eager expressions. Papa Smurf needed help in so Freddy grabbed him.
“Thank you Freddy. You are my favorite, you know. Your hearty laugh kept me going all those years. [Freddy tenderly drops him in] I lo-”
Freddy shut the furnace.
“Oh wait!” said Freddy, grabbing the dead Smurfs and a lost Smurf.
“Oh please, help me find my glasses! I can’t see Diana’s Boyfriend without my glasses!” said the lost Smurf.
Freddy looked down and found a pair of miniature broken glasses. He hastily handed him the glasses.
“Oh, darn it! They’re broken. Say, Freddy, can you ask Diana’s Boyfriend if he could get really close to my eyes so I can see him? Or can you help me repair- AHHHHHHHH!” he said as Freddy hurled him into the furnace along with the dead Smurfs. The furnace was officially shut and locked.
“Soooo,” said Diana’s Boyfriend, “What are you going to do to hem?”
“Oh, nothing [he says as he sets the temperature to four hundred fifty one]. They’re used to extreme heat, so we need to keep them warm.”
“You’re really bad at lying. We don’t even need gold.”
Freddy sighed.
“How did you know?”
“We had Smurfs in my world, except they were an awful TV show. Did you really need to kill them? I just wanted them to stop surrounding me.”
“Look, they’ve been bothering us for a hundred years and I really just want… you’re right! What am I doing? My insanity has made me resort to killing innocent, joyful Smurfs! I need to… Wait. There’s no room in my back pack for them. I’ll turn off the furnace if you’re okay with them parading around.”
“Do what you want, dude.”
He looked at Sarah.
“Sarah?”
“Ummm, you should let them-”
Screams emanated from within the furnace.
“Darn it! Sarah, just put it in your backpack. They can’t feel pain, right? Screaming is just a reaction to their environment, right?”
“Hopefully.”
Sarah put the furnace back in her backpack. Muffled screams continued.
“So where should we go now?” asked Diana’s Boyfriend.
“Hmmm…”
A huge gust of air blew into Freddy’s face. His hair and spirits were shaken.
“Let’s go against the wind!”
“Sounds like a plan!”
The wind stopped immediately afterwards but they continued in that direction anyhow.
“So, Freddy. Why won’t your friends talk?”
“I really have no clue now. My technique should have negated whatever you are doing. Are you sure you’re not doing anything?”
“I’m sure.”
The muffled screams turned to moans. The moans ached in what seemed to be pain. They tried ignoring it.
“What’s your story?” asked Diana’s Boyfriend.
“It’s long and confusing. You won’t like it.”
The moans became unbearable.
“I wanna hear it.”
“Are you sure?”
“Is the sky blue?”
Freddy looked in the distance precariously. There was fragile silence, save for the whisper of the wind.
“Well, it all started out with a Parcheesi tournament. I had won that same night when Frank right there crashed into my house…”
Freddy explained the entire side of his story until the moment he started laughing in Purgatory. Diana’s Boyfriend kept quiet throughout. In the end, he asked, “So why did your eyes glow orange while you were talking?”
“My eyes glow orange? I’ve never seen that happen… Why were you staring into my eyes?”
“Eye contact is important when talking to someone. Also you’re cute.”
“Awww… Thanks!”
Freddy, not knowing why people looking into other people’s eyes was important in his universe, felt delighted, slightly awkward, and something else.
Something awoke inside of Freddy! Freddy realized the power of PK Burly β! But he was going to try not to use it. Not after his parents had been turned… into telephones!
Freddy worried. His eyes widened.
“Where’s the nearest phone?!?!”
“For what?”
“I haven’t called my parents in… one hundred and four years! Hopefully time didn’t pass while in Purgatory!”
“How long do people live in this world?”
Freddy was surprised by his question and lost his anxiety temporarily.
“What do you mean? We’re born and we live until something discontinues biological processes. Does your world have a limit?”
“Yeah. It’s an undefined limit, but there’s a limit.”
“That’s weird. Most people get killed by one hundred years of age in our world… But that’s unimportant! My parents are telephones! THEY LIVE IN THE TELEPHONE LINES! As long as the telephone lines are up, they’re essentially alive!”
“Do you want to try my phone? It could possibly work.”
“It’s worth a shot.”
Diana’s Boyfriend handed Freddy his phone.
“Thank you!”
He opened the phone only to find many odd symbols.
“I guess our worlds have different writing, yet we speak the same language. Intriguing. Oh well.”
“Sorry, man.”
Freddy went silent. This was immediately ended when he tripped a second later.
“Owwww!” said an anonymously ominous voice.
Freddy took his foot out of the ridge that had tripped him. He got up and looked down. The green green grass had bloomed red flowers. They all mysteriously formed the shape of a pair of red lips. Farther in front, flowers of various colors and shades made a nose, pupils, and eyes. White flowers made the eyes, blue ones made the irises, et cetera.
“What’s going on?” asked Diana’s Boyfriend.
“Stuff like this always happens. Don’t worry.”
“You stepped on my teeth!”
“Hello?” asked Freddy, “What are you?”
“I’m that thing you’re standing on! You guys label me as ‘Earth’.”
The face moved accordingly to the way a woman would move her face. The whole movement of the face seemed natural and almost human until you noticed the precision of each flower closing or changing color to fit the rest of the puzzle. It was slightly disorienting.
“Umm, Earth, or whatever you are called, would you happen to have a phone?”
“I don’t need a name or a label. I am everything you are. Love me as a foothold and a construct. I am everything you claw at and everything you kindle. I am also a phone, if that’s what you’re really here for! Your name’s Freddy, right?”
“Yes it is.”
“Which number do you need to call? Let me guess: your parents?”
“You’re good at that.”
“Don’t worry. Your parents have completely forgotten about you.”
“WHAT? What did they say? How do you know?”
“I listen to the things they say. We share feelings. They’ve never worried about you since you left!”
“Dial their number, please!”
The Earth made beeping noises. Her voice changed.
“Hello?”
“Mom?”
“Who’s this?”
“It’s Freddy.”
“Freddy who?”
“Your son.”
“I have a son. I’m just pretending not to know I have one and that he is you.”
“So you know I’m Freddy, right?”
“Freddy who?”
He continued with, “Mom, I’m really sorry for leaving. How are you?”
“Well, mister, I’m just fine.”
“Everything’s fine? Everything’s the same?”
“Well, almost.”
“Almost?”
“My hometown was turned into a ball of pure energy along with everyone and everything in it. Luckily, my husband and I live on the phone lines, so we were completely safe.”
“How’s dad?”
“Do you mean my husband or my dad?”
“Your husband.”
“Oh, he’s marvelous!”
“Mom?”
“Yes, mister?”
“How’s my room?”
“My son’s room was obliterated to pure energy as I said before.”
“Hah! You do know I’m your son!… Oh darn….”
“Okay Freddy, you’re my son. You know, I was disappointed when you left without my permission. After a day of venting, though, I started keeping a close ear on you. When that boy told you what to do on the walkie-talkie, I knew then you were capable of this. I know now it’s up to you to make the world a better place. Or something like that. I’m not good with context clues. Please stay on track with your tasks! You really need to help Robby and the world!”
“I will! It’s just… they both want so much!”
“They’re insatiable, honey. Just stick with the adventure and I’m sure you’ll find something else past the Lamp. Who knows? Maybe you’ll learn something to make us into humans again! Oh, and thanks for waiting three years to call!”
“I’m sorry-”
“It’s okay, Freddy. I knew you were safe and I know you will be. Which is why I haven’t talked about you in a while.”
“I heard! For a second I thought you hated me.”
“The Earth told you that, didn’t she?”
“Yeah!”
“The Earth doesn’t understand us in the way we don’t understand the germs on our skin. Don’t blame her for anything! Take care of her, in fact. And I better leave you to your journey. You’ve got a lot to do. You’ve only done one task so far?”
“Yes…”
“Get to it, Freddy! I love you!”
“Thanks mom. I love you, too.”
“Oh, and your father says goodbye!”
“Bye!”
*CLICK*
The Earth returned to her normal self.
“Hey, Diana’s Boyfriend!”
“Yo!” he responded.
“I love you so much! I was so happy that the universe decided to send you here! Probably because I have a species identical to yours.”
“I’ve heard and seen that quite a bit. Freddy here is the only person able to talk to me.”
“Don’t mind him! He’s just too young to understand how beautiful you are. Hey! Frank, Sarah, and Brandy!”
The three looked at Earth.
“Stop being entranced by this boy’s beauty!”
Frank said, “But you just scolded Freddy for not understanding how beautiful he is!”
“Yeah. I contradict myself. See, if I were one of you humans, I would’ve told you to shut up. Luckily I can just silence you myself.”
Since they weren’t talking, they weren’t anymore silenced. Although, if they had been talking, they would have instantly lost all air in their vocal chords and lungs.
“Earth!” interrupted Freddy, “Before you leave, I want to ask you something.”
“Yes, hun?”
“You are aware of all the bad things happening in the world and the Moon crashing into you? You seem pretty happy and oblivious to everything…”
“The Moon? That’s what struck me?”
“Yes. How did you not notice? There’s an entire ring system right above us.”
“I thought it was a rock. I wasn’t paying attention for a second and a moment later there’s a large indentation on my side. I didn’t know what it was. I hadn’t felt a pain so profound for millions of years! You guys use years, right?”
“Yeah.”
“The moon never left. He’s still here. He whispers to me. I couldn’t see him but I guess it was through all the rocks in the sky. He’s still mad over his failed attempt and curses me every day. Actually, it all makes sense once you put the pieces together. Thanks for advising me, although I don’t know what I can do about it. The rocks are past my grasp. I can shift my gravity, but that may kill you guys. Are you okay with that?”
“Umm, preferably no.”
“You’re right. Plus, I don’t want to hurt Diana’s Boyfriend. Whatever you guys do, please take care of him. You guys stay safe as well, okay? Bad things are headed this way…”
The flowers withered, making her face wither and fall.
“She lives in her own little world, huh?” said Diana’s Boyfriend after the coast was clear.
“She should be living on this one. I wonder if all planets are this carefree.”
The plants where her face was rebloomed.
“Good news: I figured out what that bad thing headed our way is. It’s a giant. You better follow the clouds.”
“That’s what they’re running away from?” asked Freddy.
“I think so. Along with the wind, they’re giving off a frightened sense right now. Please follow them. They also mention the giant saying something about beauty. I think the giant’s coming for him. No matter what happens, by my statutable orders, do not let the giant get him. Goodbye!”
The ground shook. A loud roar pierced the group’s ears.
“It’s coming for me?” asked Diana’s Boyfriend, “I’m really sorry, guys.”
“Don’t worry,” said Freddy, “we’ll be fine.”
“We should start walking, then.”
“Wait! I have an idea! Science isn’t going to help us! We need magic! Frank! Brandy! Do any of you have anything that will transport us or teleport us?”
Brandy said, “Ummm, maybe. Well, yes I can. But it will only teleport us to one place I don’t think it’s a good idea there.”
“Let’s take our chances. I doubt a giant will be any better.”
“You’re right.”
Brandy took out her oboe. She played a calming tune. They all got lost in the music and closed their eyes. Pretty colors and shapes streamed through their mind. The tune stopped. They opened their eyes.
The five of them were in the middle of a street in a busy city. Hollywood, perhaps. The cars honked at them. Disoriented, they minded the annoyed drivers and talked.
“Is this Hollywood? Why here?” asked Frank to Brandy as black smoke exited his lungs.
She said panting, “I think *heave* I *heave*-”
“LOOK!” screamed some lady on the street.
Everyone looked at her then at what she was pointing. All eyes drew to Diana’s Boyfriend. The people in the cars forgot their troubles and ran over to them. Men and women wanted to see him, to meet him, to fall in love with him. The paparazzi bustled over to him and tried asking him questions. They took pictures of him like a broken streetlight on the side of the road. Men screamed “I love you!”. Women screamed “I love you more!”. Of course, all of this was indistinguishable beneath the tumultuous buzz of the people’s chatter.
Everyone was in chaos. Diana’s Boyfriend was starting to suffocate from all the people trying to touch him. Frank, Freddy, Brandy, and Sarah all breathlessly (especially Brandy) made their way out of the crowd.
“BRANDY!” coughed Freddy.
Brandy took one extra large breath and played a song. Music flowed. Everyone quieted. Colors and shapes. Back on Earth’s face…
…With one hundred other people! Not minding the people, you probably would’ve cried at the sight of the sun setting. Orange, red, yellow, and pink engraved the landscape, and, if they had paid attention, their vision. But they had more serious matters at hand.
The Hollyweirdos kept trying to grab Diana’s Boyfriend. They didn’t even care or notice they weren’t in Hollywood anymore. Freddy, Brandy, Frank, and Sarah stood outside the group.
“Why Hollywood?” asked Frank.
“That’s where I learned to teleport… Yes, I remember now! I spent a lot of time there after Snow White! Then I went to England to perform in an orchestra when I got lost on the dirty streets and ended up in a historical countryside! I met this boy who was in love with me and I told him to get me a star. When he actually came with a star, I was surprised he took me seriously and pawned the star to pay for a bus to Kokomo!”
“Great story,” said Freddy, “but what about Diana’s Boyfriend!”
“Who?” asked Frank.
“The boy you were gawking after for the past few hours!”
“Oh! Him. Where is he?”
“In the middle of that violent crowd!”
They all looked at the rustling people. No one said anything.
“Guys?!” asked Freddy.
“You should know,” said Sarah, “He thinks you’re cute!”
“And what does that have to do with anything? What am I supposed to do about it?”
No one said anything.
“Look, maybe it’s best if one of us kills him.”
“WHAT?!?!” they all screamed.
“He’s a danger to himself and us. But that was just an idea off the top of my head. There must be something better…”
Brandy said in desperation, “We can teleport them back! Do you guys have ear plugs?”
Sarah said, “I do! Let me look for them.”
She rummaged through her backpack.
“Good! If you guys put those on, I’ll play the song and we’ll be unaffected.”
Sarah handed them some ear plugs.
Brandy said, “Can any of you clear the crowd and give these to Diana’s Boyfriend?”
Freddy said, “I can!”
“Okay,” she said as she handed him an extra pair of ear plugs.
Frank said, “Don’t hurt him!”
Freddy stepped up to the crowd and then thought, “What’s going to happen to Diana’s Boyfriend after we save him?”
He turned around and looked at them.
“We haven’t planned this well enough! Once we save him, what’s next? He’ll still be a danger!”
Sarah lost focus as a brilliant idea entered her head.
“I know! Go save him first while I look for it!”
Freddy sighed and trusted Sarah’s intentions.
Freddy stepped up to the crowd once more and summoned his courage. He knew it was very necessary to help Diana’s Boyfriend and focused on his breath. Freddy used a pyrokinetic effect on the ground beneath the crowd. The people screamed and shoved themselves to the side, allowing a direct entry for Freddy. He stepped on the fire, completely unaffected by it. As he closed in on the center of the crowd, he reached out a hand to Diana’s Boyfriend yelling, “Put these on!”
Diana’s Boyfriend barely grabbed them as the crowd pushed Freddy back. The fires dwindled to nothing. Freddy watched until he inserted the plugs into his ears with much struggle. Freddy gave a thumbs up and Brandy played a magical tune.
The crowd stopped talking and listened to the fluffy notes. They closed their eyes and almost instantly disappeared.
Diana’s Boyfriend looked shaken and disheveled. He stood for a while huffing. Freddy took advantage of this and walked back to Sarah.
“So what’s your plan?”
Sarah handed him a small, metallic pistol.
“This is an S-Ray Gun. It will shrink the atoms of an object. If he’s small we can hide him in our bags.”
“So I just point and shoot?”
“Considering this thing shrinks atoms, it also shrinks air atoms, so it’s very unpredictable on what it’s going to shrink. Just make sure to aim properly and we’ll hope for the best.”
“Wait, why do I have to-”
Sarah grabbed his shoulders and turned him around. Freddy faced Diana’s Boyfriend pointing a gun at him.
He backed away from Freddy saying, “Ummm…”
“Sorry, Diana’s Boyfriend, but if anything with eyes sees you, they become ineffably infatuated.”
“Hmm, ineffably,” he chuckled. His smile was decorated with round dimples the size of cantaloupes. Freddy tried ignoring them and continued.
“That is kind of funny. But in all seriousness, you can’t be seen anymore until we can do something about it.”
“I’m sorry. I can’t help it. Will killing me help, though?” he said worriedly.
“Oh, sorry! I’m really sorry! We’re not going to kill you! Until we can make you uglier or not as disastrously handsome, we’re going to shrink you.”
“I understand,” he said relieved, “Thanks Freddy. I know I haven’t known you for long, but I love you, man. Goodbye.”
He patted him on the shoulder then hugged him.
“You’re not dying, you know. You make me feel like a monster.”
He awkwardly hugged him back. Freddy then adjusted the nozzle against his ribs and pulled the tiny trigger.
……
The ground shook. Tiny Diana’s Boyfriend bounced around violently. Frank took out a bottle (with holes this time; he had learned his lesson), grabbed Diana’s Boyfriend, and put him in. Diana’s Boyfriend said something, but no one could hear him. Frank stuffed the bottle into his backpack.
“Sooooo,” said Brandy, “he loves you and gave you a hug?”
The three looked at Freddy furiously.
“He doesn’t love me. It was ‘love’ in the context of a brotherly romance, you know?”
The three said nothing and looked a bit less angry.
“You guys are being drama queens, really! He’s not into me, he’s not into any of you; get over it! Think about this: [using his Truth Technique] would you really want to be with someone the rest of the world would literally kill for?”
If it hadn’t been for his technique, they would have thought “Yes” without any other second thoughts. The technique, accompanied with his irrefutable logic, worked wonders on their cognitive faculties. Frank, Sarah, and Brandy could think slightly straighter! Their anger also dissipated, leaving them almost as normal as they had been before they met him.
The sun had finally set, yet from the direction of the supposed giant, an orange glow filled the air.
“Let’s go with the clouds!” said Freddy.
They all agreed. They walked sixty three feet before they fell to the ground fast asleep.
……
Once they woke, they noticed the endearing morning sunrise. Oh, how beautiful it was. And not a single cloud in the sky.
They immediately noticed the giant above them. The giant stood at a height too high to estimate with their amazing ability to Guesstimate. She could have been five hundred feet or a thousand feet; they weren’t even close to sure. She had four eyes, each a calm forest green, and straight, shimmering brunette hair juxtaposed against fair, fair skin. She wore a Yo Gabba Gabba sweater, blue skinny jeans, and typical black with white sneakers. Luckily she was staring at the marvelous sunrise, not noticing the confused children below.
Brandy whispered, “Why did we fall asleep, Frank? I thought your Sandman was supposed to keep us awake.”
Frank whispered back, “I don’t know what went wrong! Maybe I accidently released him.”
He quietly checked his backpack.
“No. The fairies and pixies and all the magical beings are infatuated thanks to Mister Perfect right here! Here, take him!”
He handed Diana’s Boyfriend to Brandy. That’s when the giant looked down.
“There it is!” she roared (but in a nice way), “Ummm, children? Can you please hand over your beautiful thing? You see, I collect beautiful things like me!”
She smiled.
Frank said, “We don’t have anything beautiful with us! Especially Brandy!”
“She means the beautiful thing that appeared yesterday,” said the boy who appeared around her shoes. Prominent blue eyes embraced the brown strands of his hair which swayed slightly in the wind. He also had something they had never seen on anyone before: a beard! And it wasn’t just any beard; it was an adventure beard! You could tell he’s been around the world and back. He wore a t-shirt which read “Harley” and some simple gray shorts along with typical sneakers.
They were all startled by the boy. Frank said, “Well, the beautiful boy ‘Diana’s Boyfriend’ was teleported to the middle of Hollywood. He’s probably sill there-”
The giant growled (but politely), “Oh please! I can see a radiant glow of beauty emanating from that girl’s bag! Now please give it to us! Give it to Peon T down there!”
Peon T yelled, “IT’S QUEEN T!”
He turned to them and said, “I’m sorry guys, but she’d holding my sweater hostage. Hand it over, please.”
Frank was slightly flabbergasted.
“I’m sorry, what’s your full name?”
“Queen T.”
Frank got absolutely nowhere.
“Do I know you?”
“Yes you do. I know you as well.”
Sarah interrupted their conversation and yelled, “Hey, giant! What’s your name?”
“I’m older than you! You’ll just address me as Big Beauty!”
“Big Beauty, why do want Diana’s Boyfriend?”
“Don’t ask me questions! Just give it to me!” she moaned (but happily).
“I can’t remember who you are!” Frank told Queen T (?).
“It doesn’t matter. Hand it over, please!”
“What will you gain out of it?” Sarah asked Big Beauty.
“Look, please give it to me. Give it to Peon T and you can carry on your short, short lives.”
Sarah could not think of anything else to say besides, “We can’t give it to you!”
“This always happens! What good is it being ever so tall when you can’t even intimidate the smallest of people? Darn, Darn, DARN!” she screamed (but ecstatically) as her hair burst into flames and her breath turned into chrysanthemums. A shower of flowers patted their skins. They smelled of wet envelopes and honey.
She swiftly grabbed the four of them. She lifted them up as high as she could stretch her arms upward. The four looked around. All they could see to the distant horizon was grass, grass, oh, and more grass! Even if they were to somehow make the giant leave or escape, none of them could imagine where to go next or if they could even make it out of the area. They could go back to Hollywood but everyone except Brandy would die of the pollution. And not to mention the eager crowd ready to kill for Diana’s Boyfriend, at least for now.
Big Beauty groaned (but jovially), “I could let you all fall to the ground! And if you survived, I’d do it all over again until every bone is broken in your body. If it weren’t for my giant hands, I’d get this ‘Diana’s Boyfriend’ myself. Now, give it to my peon!”
While she had been talking, Freddy asked Sarah, “Can’t you use the Polite Particle Repulsor on her?”
“I’m not going to kill a human. Science would not condone that, even if she is a giant. I have nothing that will take her down without dying.”
“Yet you were ready to kill Brandy a hundred years ago?”
“What?” asked Brandy.
“Yes, I planned to kill you Brandy, but that’s only because my logic is asinine. Plus, remember: you are yourself. That says a lot about you.”
Brandy knew Sarah was just joking. Hopefully.
“Are you going to give me the beautiful thing?!”
“Fine,” said Sarah.
She lowered them back to Earth on a pile of chrysanthemums. Big Beauty’s hair stopped blazing and her breath stopped making flowers. Peon T (or Queen; I’m not sure) walked over to them with an extravagant pillow in his hand.
Brandy asked him, “Peon! What about you? Don’t you want your sweater?!”
“Well, we actually have it on custody,” he said delightedly.
“Isn’t it about time you have it?”
He paused.
“You’re right!”
He cupped his hand to his mouth and yelled, “BIG BEAUTY!”
“Yes?”
“WHEN DO I GET THE SWEATER?!”
Freddy heard a buzz in his backpack. He immediately thought, “… Could it be?”
The sound was fuzzy and grainy.
Brandy told them in a light tone, “Put your ear plugs on! When she bends down, I’ll play the song and she’ll disappear along with cheerful boy!”
The fuzz continued. Freddy looked through his backpack.
“Not right now!” shrieked (but with courtesy) Big Beauty.
“WHY NOT?!”
“Because… Fine, take it!… But only for a while!”
She unzipped her sweater and took it off.
“Get ready!” whispered Brandy to the others.
Freddy found… a walkie-talkie? Freddy was confused, but wholeheartedly lifted it out of his bag. He hadn’t seen that thing in one hundred and four years.
Big Beauty bent down and covered the sweater over Peon T. He could not be seen underneath the small hill that was her sweater. Brandy took a deep breath. Freddy pushed the button on the side and asked, “Hello?”
The four disappeared with a slight flash, leaving nothing but their dissatisfaction and, unluckiest of all, their backpacks and belongings. Big Beauty was so startled her glasses fell and shattered like a window. Peon T chuckled underneath the sweater.
Chapter =
[Leave This Blank]
Freddy put- Wait! I forgot to insert a pointless substory. Here you go:
Diana was walking down the street on her cellular phone. She was [LOCATING] on Tweet My Face. Becky was also with her. They were both heading towards the mall. A boy fell out of the sky and landed in front of them.
“That’s not healthy,” said Diana.
“What isn’t?” asked Becky.
“Falling to your death.”
“True. Very true.”
The boy got up.
“MICHAEL!!!” exclaimed Diana, “I TOLD YOU I HATE YOU FOR CHEATING ON ME!”
“Diana, wait!”
“Don’t lie to me, Michael! You always say this every week when I dump you for cheating on me! Who is it this week? Prissy? Teetee? Sheila? Samantha? Mi-”
“Look, Diana, can we talk? I really like you. You’re probably one of the nicest and most bipolar girls I’ve ever met. Is there anyway I can redeem myself?”
“Again with the same weekly speech! If it weren’t for your amazing physical features, your charismatic nature, or your almost irresistible way of seducing women, you’d be dust in the trash!”
“You think hanging out with any girl is considered cheating. I never did anything more than have a coffee with a girl here or a play date at the park there. I always tell you you’re being ridiculous. Then you get angry with me and it ends with you dumping me. I say I’m sorry, you give me this speech, and in the end you hug me and take me back. Can we just skip to that part already?”
She paused.
“I don’t know…”
He sighed and said, “Look, I’m sorry for [CALIBRATING] cheating on you. Is that what you wanted to hear?”
“Oh, Michael!” she said as she wrapped her arms around him, “I love you too!”
Diana remembered Michael’s smell.
He let her go and said, “Thanks, Diana. I have to go, though. I promised I’d tutor this girl in my class. She needs a lot of help, so I’ll probably be staying there for a while if you need me.”
“What does she need help in?”
“Astrology. See you later.”
“Kay! Bye, Michael!” she said as he suddenly disappeared.
Becky said, “Giiiiirl, that boy is cheatin’ on you!”
“No he isn’t! Michael would never do that to me!”
“Whatever. Just don’t come crying to me when you see him all over a girl…”
“You’re right?”
“WHAT?!” asked Becky. She was losing control over Diana.
“It’s time for change! I want to stop being the typical, ignorant teenager! For a start, how does a polyamorous relationship sound?”
Becky had to say the right thing to keep those two together. Life would be so boring without their drama!
“You crazy! Now get back to being the glamorous, bratty, all around stupid teenage girl you are!”
Diana, wanting to fit in, said, “Okay!”
She carried on talking about Michael.
And that was how Diana’s life was almost made livable.
…..
Weeks passed. An eternity of nothingness lay before, behind, and all around them. Stuck on a raft with Smurfs didn’t help either. They weren’t even sure if the raft was still moving.
The Smurfs continued their giddy antics and cheerful shenanigans. A beeping sound had been going on for what they used to know as days. The four lay on each of the corners of the raft. Brandy was the only one not losing her mind. She someone to maintain it, though…
“FraNK……” said Freddy.
“BUtTer…”
“KIlL yOur GoSh dARN WHATeVer It is fairy thAT’s kEEping US ALIVE! AnYThiNG IS betteR thAN THis!”
“CUp…”
It was no use. If only they had listened to me.
“BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP…” mimicked Sarah.
“BEEP BEEP…”
Brandy said, “Guys, keep it down! I’m thinking about my future boyfriend.”
Actually, maybe Brandy had lost it too, now that I think about it.
“AnD THeSe pestIferous bLOO RoACHes!”
The Smurfs giggled.
“AnD tHat inCESSant BEEP!”
“BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP…”continued Sarah.
More giggling. Freddy crouched into a fetal position. He stared at the white.
“hOOw MuCH LONGer?”
“ChICKen…”
“HoOw mucH lonGER?!!”
“fiNGers…”
“BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP…”
Freddy laughed. Not pleasantly, though.
“wHAT’s goinG on?”
He saw the white gain a rippling effect. He laughed. He rolled around laughing, crushing a few of the Smurfs.
“pOp…”
“BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP…”
Maniacal laughter.
“COrn”
Maniacal laughter.
“BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP…”
Even more maniacal laughter.
…..
“We need to put a stop to this!” exclaimed Papa Smurf to the Smurfs. They all agreed.
“First, find the source of the beeping. Let’s put a stop to it! It’s been getting on my nerves for the last few days.”
They heard the noise coming from Sarah’s backpack. Searching through Sarah’s backpack, they found the source of the beep. They presented it to Papa Smurf.
“What is this ‘Stranger Taker’?”
“We don’t know,” said Smurf R, “but we need your approval to push the flashing button.”
“By all means.”
Two Smurfs had to jump simultaneously to push the button, but it was well worth it, for what came out would save the Smurfs, the four humans, and perhaps the entire universe itself!
Or, will come out, because the thing takes a while to load. Sarah had nothing left to mimic, although she continued beeping. Freddy kept laughing, although he didn’t seem happy. Frank continued mentioning two word foods, although he wasn’t hungry. Brandy floppily thought of the boy in her dreams, although she knew she may never meet him again. This went on for another week before the machine finally loaded up.
RING RING RING RING
Sarah immediately started imitating it. The Smurfs, in a middle of a long, never-ending party, did not notice the ringing. They thought of it as Sarah’s continuous beeping.
A month passed. Then another month. Then a century. Then, after oh-so long, a century and a year had passed since their arrival. Nothing had changed, except that Smurfette had given birth to Smurfs to replace those killed by Freddy. They hadn’t even aged. The Life Support Ifrit Frank had acquired in a bet sometime after the Snow White incident kept them alive (including batteries) without hunger or thirst. Although, it did not prevent them from aging. Something in Purgatory kept them young and fit, probably to tease you since you can’t do anything.
Amazingly, they were still doing the same thing for all these years. It wasn’t until Smurf Y said, “I really like Sarah’s Ring- Wait! Wasn’t it a Beep?”
Smurf G thought and said, “… You’re right! Did the machine make a new noise?”
“I think it did!”
Word spread. Finally, after so many a year, Papa Smurf said, “All right, bring the machine over and let’s see if we can shut it up. Maybe something great will happen!”
Papa Smurf personally pushed “YES” on the touch screen underneath a word asking “Load?”. An astounding flash blinded them. The first good moment in one hundred and one years.
A boy in a beanie appeared. The Smurfs gasped. The four finally stopped and stared at him. He looked around.
Silence.
The Smurfs finally broke the silence with a thunderous applause!
“I love you!” screamed some.
“Please, let me have your babies!” screamed others.
Smurfette said nothing. She just jumped onto his shoe and held on like there was no tomorrow.
The boy looked confused.
“Is that Diana’s boyfriend?” asked Freddy.
“Beep- I mean yes! Said Sarah, ‘I had forgotten I had loaded up the Stranger Taker!”
Wait a second! Was she blushing?! Sarah doesn’t blush! Unless…
“Brandy,” said Freddy.
Brandy was staring at Diana’s boyfriend.
“Brandy!”
She looked at Freddy.
“What? Sorry, Freddy. I was just thinking of that phrase ‘When it rains, it pours’.”
“Forget it.”
He turned to Frank and hoped he wasn’t the same.
“Frank, you also have a… Frank!”
“Oh, sorry. I was just…”
Frank returned to staring at Diana’s boyfriend.
Freddy exclaimed, “You guys are acting odd.”
He looked at Diana’s boyfriend and thought, “I bet that guy brought a disease with him. Who knows where he’s been?”
“Guys?!?!”
The three of them were entranced. Freddy sighed. That’s when he noticed something.
He saw a line appear out of nowhere. It opened and made an object resembling an eye. It “stared” at the boy. Its eye widened. Something shot out of its pupil and onto the raft. It looked like a rope. The eye closed and disappeared. In its absence he could see the rope extended very far. He could not see the end. Although…?
Something was at the end! A black dot, to be exact. It was very far away. Freddy wondered if they would have to climb the rope up when he noticed climbing wouldn’t be necessary. That something was making its way toward them! First it was a black dot, then a black speck, then a black smudge, then a black ball, and finally, a black goliath. It was round. Or maybe it was elliptical. Actually, it could have been hexagonal. The shape was too hard to tell. It was decorated with immensely tiny lights, too many to count, too few to fill the space. The goliath had definite arms jutting out of its mysteriously shaped body, pulling itself towards the insignificant raft.
“People! Is that the universe?!” asked Freddy.
No one listened.
“PEOPLE!”
It was climbing arduously toward Freddy in a ferocious hustle. Slightly loud, ringing noises could be heard as it made its way toward the raft. The collision between the two polar forces would not be harmonious, definitely.
Oh, I forgot to mention: Diana’s boyfriend was very confused when he appeared. He tried saying something, but no one could hear him over the cheers, He decided to sit down and watch the black ball fall on them. As he watched the thing get bigger and bigger, he swore he could see warm, red patches where its “cheeks” could have been.
Anyway, the thing grew so monstrous Freddy could no longer see anything in front of him. It stood gallantly in front as its glory bewildered him. During this very brief pause, everything became brighter, if it were possible. The thing at the moment took up half of all the visible area. Afterwards, the white started diminishing. Its jaws gaped and now shut slowly around them. The white area shrank like a balloon losing its air. Eventually, it was just a white goliath, then a white ball, then a white smudge, then a white speck, and finally, a white dot. As it disappeared, it seemed to yell, “Goodbye…”
“Did it just say something?” thought Freddy,” Wait! We’re out of the White! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!!! This universe is much more interesting with stars, galaxies, nebulae, and best of all, a black background! This is-”
He said out loud, “AHHHHHHHH!!!” as the raft sped to a speed faster than the speed of light (thank goodness for tachyons!). Everyone on the raft grabbed onto a crease or a slight railing. A few of the Smurfs did not accelerate with the rest of the raft and “flew off” into space.
As the people on the raft gained the speed of the raft, they lessened their grip. The Smurfs got up and kept cheering. The three continued staring. They passed stars and planets in the blink of an eye. Freddy swore he saw a planet as shiny as gold all around.
As time went on, he wondered how they were breathing and why Diana’s boyfriend didn’t even have to hold onto anything. It became pretty obvious after a few more thoughts and decided against thinking anymore about it.
An hour later, he noticed he had slid to the side a bit. He panicked and grabbed on as the raft slowed down dramatically. A few more Smurfs were left behind in the airless freeze of the universe. They passed Alpha Centauri. A minute later they passed the Kuiper Belt. They slowed down even more. As they passed Jupiter, they went slightly under the speed of light. Then, they finally saw it: a broken blue marble. A large brown indent interrupted its perfection, but was rectified by its grey ring. It was beautiful.
“Guys, you have to see…”
He was tired of trying to get them to listen to him. He watched in silence as he heard glass break in his mind.
They passed the Dark Side of McDonald’s. He asked, “Can you just drop us off right there?! Universe?! That’s where we need to go!!! Just…”
The universe did nothing.
Freddy figured there was no easy way out of an adventure.
They entered the atmosphere a moment or two later. Lots of fire blanketed their vision. Once that went away, Freddy could see the Crater and several remaining states. They headed to what once was Arizona. At least they were landing in America. They slowed down some more and more until they finally landed on the grass with the slightest thud!
Diana’s boyfriend got off and smiled. The Smurfs followed. The three, finally having a hand waved to their faces, looked around. Brandy asked delightedly, “Where are we?”
Freddy excitedly screamed, “We’re back!”
